tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58028548834415998592024-03-13T11:54:54.637-07:00Grace and Truth CounselingProfessionally competent and distinctly Christian Clinical Counseling. Grace and Truth offers grace to try again and keep trying, and the truth necessary to be successful. We believe that God's way works and perseverance wins the race because we've seen it work in our own lives and the lives of our clients. We help people move from hopelessness to hope, pain to pleasure and meaninglessness to purpose-filled living.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-75647161952060115122014-11-01T04:54:00.003-07:002014-11-01T04:54:44.909-07:00Ride a Little Longer: Memories and a Tribute to John PetersonPremature death puts life in perspective like nothing else. <br />
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This week another robust, powerful and influential life was cut short by cancer. A cherished husband, father, friend and pastor was taken way too young. John was 42. Left behind is a devastated wife, and bewildered children. But even as I write that, I hear my John protesting. "They have hope in the hereafter, Jeff, and trust that God as Father will provide for and sustain them." <br />
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If anything, John was always ready with a word; specifically The Word. He knew the Bible well, and dedicated his life to teaching and applying it to his own life, and many others, beginning with his own family. And his cycling buddies got our fair share of good hearted and well-intentioned instruction about the "Higher Ways" of the One John wholeheartedly believed in and trusted as his Maker and Savior. <br />
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But friendship with John wasn't all serious and sober. Man, we had some good laughs! "Do you guys want to hear a joke?" Whether we did or not we usually said yes. John's nature as a story-teller was to spare no details, so it afforded an extended opportunity to focus on breathing while John used extra breath to tell the story. As we learned this drill one of us would often ask John if he had any jokes just before we started a long climb. Eventually he caught on, and would wait until the road was flat before speaking again. <br />
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Then, there was language practice. Often John would roll up beside us and begin speaking in some foreign language. I think Korean was the most frequent. John and Melissa had adopted Isaac from Korea and so John had taken it on himself to learn his son's native tongue. Amazing. And speaking of different languages...one of John's favorite collections was Bible's in different languages. I heard John 3:16 in no fewer than seven languages!<br />
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Singing was another of John's favorite ways to pass time while rolling on two wheels. He had a good voice, and was known to break into song during sermons at church. Just to tease him we'd pick up the pace to make breathing difficult on the bike. But rest assured, slow down and the song would return. <br />
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When John first got sick I visited him at the hospital. He couldn't resist telling extended family about his first ride with me. "Remember that Jeff?" Of course I did. He wouldn't let me forget. "The guys gave me a bike as a gift on New Year's Day, 1999 (see <a href="http://rawreflectionsfromthejourney.blogspot.com/">'Reflections of a Dying Pastor</a> for details). When spring rolled around it was time to ride outside. So off we went, me and Jeff. I did pretty well for the first part of the ride, so coming down Morris road, Jeff said it was time to turn up the intensity and to show him what I had. Well, I did my best to keep up, and I did but when we got to the stop sign I got real dizzy and had to get off the bike and sit down, and Jeff had to go get a car to drive me home. Remember that, Jeff?" Yes. Not one of my proudest moments, but the beginning of learning to enjoy the ride and doing well by my friends instead of trying to win the ride and beat them.<br />
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But the competitive thing wasn't over. We were all amazed by how strong John became as a cyclist. I teased him mercilessly about the size of his calves and how they flexed w/ every pedal stroke. John had a natural gift which he honed through long hours in the saddle. And as he grew strong, it wasn't me putting the hurt on him any longer. Now John could keep pace and take his turn leading the group, sometimes for miles and miles on end, like a turbo-diesel on a long cross country trek. As Butch and I sat in John's draft we often reflected that we'd created a monster. <br />
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The inevitable finally happened on a day our group was racing the sign sprint in Clifton. As we flew toward the sign, John pulled away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Finally catching him as we all caught our breath after the sprint I pulled alongside to congratulate John. His words were classic. Looking at me with a lot of pride (well deserved) and satisfaction, John glibly said, "Whose your daddy?" <br />
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Guys bond through activity, especially Epic experiences. Thankfully, now with hindsight, I'm glad that most of our rides were Epic. <br />
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Just last summer as Jill and I drove down Montego on Father's Day, we spotted John, heading out on a ride. We pulled alongside, "Hey John!" "I'm headed out for a Father's Day ride, Jeff. I can wait, wanna go along?" It was an unexpected treat to get to ride and to ride with a friend. That's a fond memory. Big smile on his face, trademark bandana tied in the back, flapping in the wind, mashing the pedals very easily yet powerfully with well-muscled legs ticking out a slow cadence. He couldn't have been happier. That was Epic<br />
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Many other rides were Epic because as an older brother and cycling mentor John trusted me to make good judgments about where we rode, how long we rode and how hard we rode. Just let me say simply that this wasn't always well placed trust. I was intense about going further and faster, and John (and those waiting for him at home or the office) often paid the price. <br />
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Start of the ride:<br />
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John: 'Jeff, I really need to be on time today.'<br />
Jeff: 'No worries, John. I have a route planned, and I'll behave myself.'<br />
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Mid-ride:<br />
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John: 'Jeff, where are we and how long is it going to take to get home?'<br />
Jeff: 'I'm not sure John'<br />
John: 'Not sure about where we are or how long to get home?'<br />
Jeff: 'I'm not sure about either. Sorry.'<br />
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So, we'd mash the pedals with me on front. Being on front was the price I paid for getting us lost again. 'That's the price for leading us into another Epic ride, Jeff', said Butch, a common third companion on many rides with John. It was a drill we repeated countless times. The result? We often rode a little longer and a little harder than we'd anticipated at the start of the ride.<br />
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Knowing now, what I didn't know then is how short John's life would be. And knowing that now, I'm glad that we often rode a little longer. I'm just sad that now we can't ride a little longer. <br />
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I'm consoled by imagining that John is enjoying his Maker, asking questions, and probably telling a few jokes, and going for rides in warm sunshine with a new body and the wind at his back (certainly there can't be any lactic acid in Heaven). Pedal on dear brother, and map some routes for us to ride together, again. And know that we're here for your family, and I'm certain you would be for ours. Jill and I stopped by the house to hug on and sob with Melissa for a bit last night. It won't be the last time. <br />
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Goodbye John. We loved knowing you, and we love you.<br />
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JeffJeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-8784344634822521962014-08-21T11:42:00.002-07:002014-08-21T11:42:58.236-07:00Emotional HygieneI had a dream about a friend being in trouble because they were carrying things that had happened to them in the course of ministry leadership. The cumulative effect was weighing them down, visibly in the dream, as pieces of lead dangling from their body, as if pinned to them. Can you identify? (I don't think this phenomenon is isolated to ministry or leadership). <br />
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I called my friend to share the dream, believing that I may have received a divine communication intended to help him. He said that it was on the mark, and proceeded to share honest feelings about some things that have happened. I was gratified by his trust, and he was helped out of isolation in his pain. <br />
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"What's the takeaway? What should I do?", he asked. We agreed on a simple plan of action: "Make a list of your honest feelings (mad, sad, scared and glad) every day. Make the list as long as possible. Then, ask Jesus to speak to you about your feelings. Ask His perspective and input on what you are feeling. Sometimes He will probably validate how you feel, and other times He may challenge you about your attitude or conclusions. Sometimes He'll prompt you to take your feelings to the person that they are about (speaking truth in love)..."<br />
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Emotional hygiene is identification and expression of your honest feelings in prayer, journaling and/or conversation with a trusted friend or counsel. It is essential to build and sustain emotional health. The alternative is to become emotionally constipated, numb and inward. This erodes mental and emotional health just as physical bowel constipation becomes unhealthy.<br />
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I reminded my friend that it wasn't his fault that he'd been unfairly accused, judged and misunderstood, but that it was his responsibility to respond to the realization that he was carrying things by recognizing and removing them so that he can stay spiritually, physically and relationally healthy. <br />
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"In this world you will have many troubles...but take heart. I have overcome the world." - Jesus<br />
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Jeff Williams is a co-founder of Grace & Truth Counseling and Coaching, licensed as a Supervising Professional Clinical Counselor in the State of Ohio. http://graceandtruthrelationship.com<br />
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<br />Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-10381573094494999602013-12-17T12:00:00.000-08:002013-12-17T12:00:31.911-08:00Who is My Shepherd? THE Good ShepherdThe weight of responsibility to care for people in pain is very HEAVY at times; too heavy for people-helpers to carry by ourselves. That's why I'm so glad that THE Good Shepherd cares for me, and the people I/we (Grace & Truth) serve.<br />
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Nearly every session I pray for knowledge and wisdom from The Good Shepherd. Why wouldn't I? He promised His presence and ministry to us by the indwelling of The Holy Spirit as His very presence and power to inhabit us as Wonderful Counselor, Great Physician, Comforter, Teacher "who will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have taught you" (John 14:26).<br />
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And at the end of nearly every session, I exhort clients to talk to and listen for The Good Shepherd; that they are not without care and counsel just because they aren't in session with me. I'm pretty convinced that teaching the people I care for as Jesus's Helper that He is their Shepherd (and not me) who wants to communicate with them, guide them, teach them, comfort them, and to lead them on the path of truth, righteousness, purposeful life in and for His Kingdom, IS the MOST IMPORTANT thing I can do for them. Pointing them to cultivate a listening relationship in which they learn to hear His voice "My Sheep know my voice . . . "<br />
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This is good for them, and it is good for me. <br />
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It's good for them because they are inoculated against elevation of man to positions that are above and beyond us, even if we are counselors, doctors or pastorally gifted helpers, and empowered to approach Jesus directly themselves (not through an intermediary such as was required under the old covenant to approach God through a priest). <br />
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It's good for us helpers (those that some would entitle 'shepherds') because we're reminded that while we may indeed by gifted and positioned to provide pastoral care to those on our path, that there is ONE who is above and beyond us whom we rely on for Knowledge and Wisdom, and on whose behalf we care for them. AND, that they too can directly approach Him for the same 'after hours'. <br />
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As a compassionate care-giver, I feel a sense of loss and anxiety when I open the door to say goodbye to a client in pain and crisis. But they are comforted, as I am, that they can directly access Jesus, and hear from Him. <br />
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One day a mother asked my opinion on a complex set of issues facing her family. "What do you think? You're the professional." I began to answer, but felt checked by the Holy Spirit. "Ask her what she has heard from me." So I did, and my jaw dropped as this 'untrained' lady (not a professional counselor or minister) responded with an elegant solution. There was a long silence before she said, "That's bad for your business, you know. Empowering your clients to hear from God Himself vs. relying on you to hear and see for them." She'd heard the brilliance of the Lord's guidance in her situation, and knew that it came from Him, not from me.<br />
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Practicing counseling in this way may indeed be bad for 'client retention', if maximizing my client's financial value as an ongoing customer is my objective. (As they say in Washington, D.C., "There's a lot of money to be made by prolonging the solution to the problem"). But it's certainly not bad for the Kingdom of God to have yet another empowered and powerful (filled by the Holy Spirit) special force worker in the world to continue hearing Him and teaching others to do the same!<br />
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Who is my Shepherd? "The Lord is My Shepherd" (Psalm 23).<br />
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Who is your Shepherd?Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-20719073061642968362013-11-18T06:21:00.000-08:002013-11-18T06:21:07.950-08:00How to Decide with Whom and How Much to Share Your Heart<br />
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The question often arises in counseling: How much should I share with ____ ? And it is usually in the context of relational strain, hurt or desire to reconcile. <br />
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"They sometimes use it against me."<br />
"They don't understand or try to understand."<br />
"They twist everything I say to fit their view of reality, and don't try to consider mine."<br />
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And it goes on. You can probably very easily add to the list, because you've probably run across a few 'unsafe' people. <br />
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In Scripture we see descriptions of close community in the Body of Christ, and proscription for intimacy in marriage and family. How does that happen without knowing each other, and how do we know each other without open sharing? Many relationship education models agree that Emotional openness + physical closeness = Intimacy. <br />
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Naked and unashamed is a phrase from Genesis that Jill and I use to talk about the goal of marital communication; that we might present our honest thoughts, feelings and desires to each other without fear of judgment, reprisal, scoffing, disregard or dismissal. In other words, a goal in relationship to be a safe person; one whom is capable and trusted to hear and hold other's hearts when they open it to us. But the degree to which we are trusted to hold other's hearts varies. Sometimes people hesitate to share because they've been burned by others in the past. And sometimes they hesitate because we've burned them. The reasons vary, and they are many.<br />
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But what I want to focus on is the razor for making the decision about whether to share and how much to share. Here is my usual suggestion:<br />
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"Take a slight risk to open your heart and see how ____ responds. If they don't treat your heart with respect, take it back. Imagine handing ___ something precious to you, like a family heirloom. If they don 't hold it carefully, or worse, if they begin to harm it in some way take it back. This is part of protecting your heart, which scripture admonishes us to do (Proverbs 4:23, "guard your heart for it is the well spring of life") <br />
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"Sometimes we find that _____ has a track record of hurting hearts. So when you discern that they haven't yet changed their manner don't give them the opportunity to practice their pathological way of relating to you. Tell them why, and suggest that if they want to have a more open and healthy relationship with you that it will require a change on their part; that they become a safe person whom you can trust to hear and hold your heart." This is truth spoken in love that provides an opportunity for confession and repentance (making a wholesale change in how they relate to and respect you.) Casting pearls before swine applies (Matthew 7:6), "you should not put what is valuable in front of those who will reject the notion that it has value and furthermore that they will seek to diminish or destroy what you offer" (wikipedia). Some people won't change, but at least you gave them the opportunity to understand why you are disengaging and an opportunity to make the changes necessary to continue/heal a relationship with you.<br />
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It is all too common, and injurious, to misapply the notion of turning the other cheek amongst Christians I've counseled. Many have become so downtrodden that they have great difficulty rising up again to try in a relationship again. Their condition would be much better, if they'd said "When" a bit sooner. Sadly, many look and feel like they're beyond the point of no return. <br />
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Here's how I'd say it in a couple of sentences; Keep your love on (Danny Silk) and remain open to sharing your heart, but don't do it indiscriminately. Be vigilant to discover who will hold and honor your heart vs. those who repeatedly injure and disrespect it, and don't be afraid to take it back and refuse them further opportunities to defile you and themselves by trampling on that which is precious.<br />
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Blessings, Jeff<br />
http://graceandtruthrelationship.com<br />
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<br />Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-49131469492626516202013-01-16T15:11:00.000-08:002013-01-16T15:11:30.928-08:00Good Reasons: Why People do the Things They DoWhy do people do the things they do? <b><i> For Good Reasons. </i></b><br />
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Dig deep enough, long enough and you will discover that people have good reasons for the ways they act, feel and respond. <br />
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<i>"Why did I/do I do that?" "</i><u style="font-weight: bold;">For a good reason'</u> has become my stock response. But its more than a cliche. I believe it. <br />
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Twenty-three years in Clinical Psychology, thousands of patients later, and I have yet to serve a person, marriage or family with "problems" that didn't make sense (eventually). Listen long enough to appreciate the context in which people's problems have developed and surfaced, and you'll find a good reason for the way they act, the beliefs they believe and the things they do. <br />
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I don't get surprised much anymore. And I hope I have a poker face. Our youngest, Laura, says I do. Upon Harley's rescue (our dog) from a runaway episode into busy traffic Laura asked why I wasn't more visibly upset. <i>"I"m sorry, honey. Guess I'm a bit desensitized by the things I hear and see everyday."</i><br />
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Consider these scenarios:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Her father began violating her during the middle of the night when she was three. </li>
<li>His nights were filled with moans and screams from his mother's escapades with abusive men. </li>
<li>A pedophile fulfilled her desperation for affection after her father 'disappeared' into himself with serious illness. </li>
<li>She spent entire days cleaning and re-cleaning the bathroom. </li>
<li>She 'loses it' if he becomes authoritarian (like her dad). </li>
<li>He lacks compassion when she cries, and finds himself wanting to pile on the abuse.</li>
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It all sounds pretty sick, right? But dig a little deeper. Let them tell their life story. Walk in their shoes for a few hours and it will begin to make sense. I promise.<br />
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Neurotic reasoning and responses remain hidden until the valid reasons for their existence are discovered, understood and accepted. <i>But this happens only in environments and where Grace is the fragrance of the relationship. </i><br />
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Do you do this for those that God has put on your path? Does the scent of acceptance and understanding waft around you?<br />
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Pat Conroy, said it well in his book, <b>"The Prince of Tides" </b>through one his characters who was severely abused throughout his childhood.<br />
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<i>'People are quick to judge my relationship failures. But they haven't lived my life. They judge by my appearance that I am like a racing Schooner (boat) that should cut through the water fast and true, but fail to see that below the waterline that the hull is full of holes, and that I'm doing well just to make the sucker float.'</i><br />
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Sit with such a person long enough, and lovingly listen with heart and skill, and I guarantee that their attitudes and behavior will begin to make sense. And as you validate and accept that they have good reasons, those reasons will begin to make sense to them. <i>They will connect the dots, and begin to act (and react) out of awareness rather than self-protective habit.</i><br />
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And as you do this, you will be administering Grace while recognizing the Truth of their lives, and your manner will be full of Grace and Truth!<br />
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The results of such understanding ministry will be a more whole and healthy Body of Christ, one person, one marriage, one family at a time.<br />
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Hopefully, Jeff<br />
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*Jeff Williams is founding director of the global counseling and coaching ministry,<a href="http://www.graceandtruthrelationship.com/"> Grace & Truth Counseling and Coaching.</a>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-26718905162852128942012-11-30T06:55:00.000-08:002012-11-30T06:55:59.565-08:00Recovering ME, and Recovering USIt's a story all too common. She's at the end of her long-suffering patience, and has fled to freedom in the home of a safe friend or family member. She's been a good troop for too long. <i>"Whatever you want, honey"</i> she's said so many times that she no longer knows what she wants. <br />
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<i>"I've lost me, and I've got to have some space to find myself. For way too long I've given in to keep the peace, but I can't go another day like this."</i><br />
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Lost ones present for counseling because their mind has taken over the body to produce symptoms that can't be ignored. Panic disorder is common. The symptoms resemble those of a heart attack; tightness and heaviness in the chest, shortness of breath, tingling or numbness in fingers and arms and an impending sense of doom, that something bad is going to happen. <br />
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The really tough ones, and most of them are, buck it up for a long time . . . so long that by the time we see them they're in pretty bad shape and we're astounded how they've survived with such painful symptoms. "I thought there was something wrong with me that I was feeling this way." No, Mam. It's normal to feel like you do when you are absorbed into the life of another for their good but not yours. Your symptoms is your mind's way of telling you that the dynamic of your relationship is unhealthy, and its high time to do something about it. You probably aren't going to be able to tough your way out of this one. It's going to require real change in you, and in him for the symptoms to subside."<br />
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And so we embark on a journey on which she will rediscover herself; her honest thoughts, feelings and desires. And she will begin to say No as often as she said yes in the past, setting healthy boundaries regarding where he stops and where she begins. <br />
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There is so much more that could be said, but let's end with a short answer. LOVE.<br />
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<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=I%20corinthians%2013&version=NIV">I Corinthians 13</a> makes clear that healthy love, the highest form of love is sacrificial in the best interest of another. Whereas self-love doesn't consider or honor the needs of others.<br />
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How's the balance of selfless love in your relationship? Is it all about him (or her)? Or is there sharing and reciprocity? <br />
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Biblical marriage is about sacrificial love and sharing, not domination and submission as has too oft been misquoted and misappropriated. If that's your story, or someone you care about, get them some good counsel that tells the truth to men and women alike; that its about both of them and not just one of them.<br />
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Hopefully,<br />
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Jeff<br />
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*Jeff Williams is a Supervising Professional Clinical Counselor who also coaches and trains marriages with his wife Jill. <a href="http://www.graceandtruthrelationship.com/">Grace & Truth Counseling and Coaching</a>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-43002368140486640852012-10-25T06:18:00.000-07:002012-10-25T06:18:25.026-07:00Tears That Heal"I'm not going to cry today" said my tough minded client. "Okay" I replied as I watched them toss the Kleenex box to the other side of the couch. "I'm tired of crying." A few minutes later they reached for the box. "Guess I'm not done being sad . . . ". "It's okay. In fact, I'm encouraged that you are able to grieve and that you are letting yourself. To a therapist tears are healthy. See the tears in my eyes? I feel compassion for what you're going through, and its good that you are letting yourself feel the magnitude of the loss and change in your life. Keep the tears in and you've got a pretty good recipe for depression and anger. Let them out . . . even though you're tired of how it feels and you'll get through this time to a 'new normal'. <br />
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It's hard to think of a case that turned out well without some tears. Whether it was grief about tragic death, remorse for infidelity, harsh and unkind treatment of a spouse, anger and sadness at self for wasted time and opportunities due to selfish pursuits or the damage done by addictions . . . clients need to cry.<br />
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I know that folks we serve are cooperating with the process when they look for the Kleenex box and put it beside them at the beginning of a session, "Just in case" they say. They we often cry together.<br />
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At Grace & Truth we regularly see God turn mourning into dancing, but not before tears have soaked the dance floor. Healing and growth isn't necessarily comfortable or easy, but its worth it. <br />
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Are you holding back tears? Tired of crying? Who are you comfortable to cry with? <br />
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Joy comes in the morning because joy is restored through mourning.<br />
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Compassionately,<br />
<br />
Jeff <br />
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*Jeff Williams is a Supervising Professional Clinical Counselor, Founder and Director of Grace & Truth Counseling which provided clinical counseling and life, leadership and relationship coaching globally, <a href="http://www.graceandtruthrelationship.com/">www.graceandtruthrelationship.com</a>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-31829185069225527742011-05-19T09:03:00.000-07:002011-05-19T09:03:47.233-07:0024 Reasons I Love My Therapy Sessions<i>Blogger's note: </i>A client recently shared* that their therapy sessions are a highlight of their week. They were surprised that I was surprised! Upon reading the list of reasons I was moved and gratified. Life-giving care that helps our clients to improve relationship with God, themselves and others is the reason we exist. <br />
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<b>Why I love my therapy sessions...</b><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It improves my outlook on life.</div><div class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel better about my faults.</div><div class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps me to see fallacies in my thought processes.</div><div class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a scheduled time in my week where I am committed to working on my mental health.</div><div class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am accepted just as I am, no matter what.</div><div class="MsoNormal">6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is almost always something to laugh about, or at least enjoy.</div><div class="MsoNormal">7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes me REALLY think about my relationships with God, family and friends.</div><div class="MsoNormal">8.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can set priorities in my life better after talking them out with someone trained to walk me through my convoluted thinking.</div><div class="MsoNormal">9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mutual respect and sharing.</div><div class="MsoNormal">10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learn something new each time.</div><div class="MsoNormal">11.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It motivates me to improve myself.</div><div class="MsoNormal">12.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am encouraged to be my true self and to be true to myself.</div><div class="MsoNormal">13.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It strengthens my faith as I see prayers answered.</div><div class="MsoNormal">14.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learn a new way of thinking and perceiving myself and those around me.</div><div class="MsoNormal">15.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The things I learn are things that I can take with me and share with others.</div><div class="MsoNormal">16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It allows me to give encouragement and hope to others.</div><div class="MsoNormal">17.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It refreshes me and strengthens me for another week.</div><div class="MsoNormal">18.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The prayers.</div><div class="MsoNormal">19.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The laughter and the tears; the emotional involvement in my life from the very beginning.</div><div class="MsoNormal">20.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Godly counsel and wisdom.</div><div class="MsoNormal">21.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t just feel loved, I know I am.</div><div class="MsoNormal">22.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a place where the impossible is possible.</div><div class="MsoNormal">23.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Healing my mind is just a stepping stone to healing my heart.</div><div class="MsoNormal">24.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way my relationship with my Father has blossomed as a result of advice, example, and relationship.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>*Used by permission </i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>**Do you need assistance achieving similar results? We would love to have an opportunity to help!</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Call 937-717-5591 for an appointment </i> </div>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-89660445371372530722011-03-20T01:26:00.000-07:002011-03-20T01:26:59.114-07:00My Journey: From Suicidal Despair to Wholeness and HopeCheck out this true account of a miraculous journey. What one woman can do, others can do.<br />
<br />
Click <a href="http://transformationalpublishing.blogspot.com/">HERE</a> to read this inspiring story.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-67704516610220334712011-03-17T07:35:00.000-07:002011-03-17T07:35:00.257-07:00When to Ask for HelpAsk for help when you don't know how to help yourself, or the information and assistance provided by an expert will expedite resolution of your problems.<br />
<br />
I was impressed by the wisdom of the young man in my office. <b><i>"Why did you ask for counseling?"</i></b> I asked. <b><i>"Some of the brightest people in history had breakdowns; Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein for instance"</i></b>, he said. Instantly I realized that this case had a good prognosis. Wisdom to ask for assistance is often accompanied by humility, a teachable spirit, and motivation to do whatever is necessary to resolve painful problems...and it is a mark of great leaders. <br />
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Leaders, you ask? Yes, leaders, as in we are each responsible to lead our own lives, and if we influence only one other person, then we are a leader per one popular definition, <i><b>"Leadership is influence."</b></i><br />
<br />
So, this young man is serious about living a life of impact, commensurate with his God-given intellect and creativity. And, he is already evincing a key quality of effective leadership; wisdom regarding when to ask for help.<br />
<br />
Great leaders make great decisions by gathering as much information as possible before the decision deadline. That's why we see a multiplicity of advisers around Presidents, and numerous consultants employed by business executives. Great leaders turn to experts for information and perspective as an essential part of their process of executive decision-making.<br />
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And so it is for you, and me; leaders of our own lives.<br />
<br />
When to ask for help? When you don't know the answer, or when information and perspective provided by an expert could hasten the solution.<br />
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<i><b>"Of course I'll try what you've suggested" </b></i>the young man said. <i><b>"You've got the degrees" </b></i>he said as he pointed to the wall. <i><b>"That's why I'm here; to learn from you how to help myself". </b></i><br />
<br />
As a counselor I couldn't ask for a better scenario. <br />
<i><b> </b></i><br />
<i><b> </b></i>By the way, do you now how many counselor's it takes to change a light bulb?<br />
<br />
Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change....<br />
<br />
blessings, Jeff<br />
<br />
Jeffrey J. Williams is licensed as a Professional Clinical Counsleor and Supervising Counselor in the State of Ohio, License #E-3098Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-43918611576734355832011-03-10T02:05:00.000-08:002011-03-10T02:05:52.756-08:00Pay to Talk because Talking Pays OffThe New York times posted a series of articles this past week about how the majority of U.S. Psychiatrists (approx. 48,00) have decided that it doesn't pay to talk to patients about their problems. It's not that they don't believe it doesn't help, but rather that they can get paid more for three 15 minute medication sessions, than one 45 minute therapy session. <br />
<br />
Check out the response from the Chief Executive of the American Psychological Association:<br />
<br />
<i>"As “<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/health/policy/06doctors.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=psychiatrist%20talk%20therapy&st=cse">Talk Doesn’t Pay, So Psychiatry Turns Instead to Drug Therapy</a>” (“Doctors Inc.” series, front page, March 6) noted, decades of research have shown that psychotherapy, now eschewed for financial reasons by many practicing psychiatrists, is often as effective as psychotropic drugs — if not more so, as in the treatment for depression. </i><br />
<br />
<i> There is something inherently wrong with a health care system that allows a practitioner to earn more for three 15-minute prescription-writing sessions than for a 45-minute therapy session that teaches patients lifelong coping skills and has no adverse physical side effects. </i><br />
<br />
<i> What is of great concern with the current treatment situation, driven in large measure by the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries, is the diminished quality of care provided to patients. While many of the new psychotropic drugs have proved effective, taking a pill is not always the answer to a mental health problem..."</i>(read more of Dr. Anderson's comments <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/10/opinion/lweb10psych.html?ref=healthinsuranceandmanagedcare">here</a>).<br />
<br />
This is exactly why I think we are seeing an increase in referrals at Grace and Truth. More and more people realize two things:<br />
<br />
1. Pills don't solve problems, though they can be an essential part of recovery from disabling and painful mental and emotional disorders. <br />
<br />
2. Skillful talking about painful and challenging issues, relationships and circumstances that can lead to miraculous resolution is priceless. As one client said,<i> </i><b><i>"Can I afford it? I can't afford not to. It's my life, and I have to get it back on track!"</i></b><br />
<br />
As Dr. Anderson said above, decades of research have shown that psychotherapy is as effective if not more effective than psychotropic drugs in the treatment of clinical depression (the most common emotional disorder that affects upwards of 40% of Americans at some point in their life). The point we'd like to make to the potential counseling client is this: Great treatment for mental, emotional and relationship problems is out there. Don't be deluded by the push for medication solutions. Sometimes it is indicated and necessary, but it is rarely the sole solution, even if insurance companies have decided that it is the most expedient and cost effective (if only partial and short-term) solution.<br />
<br />
Remember Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)? Soma was the drug given to the masses to make them happy, dull their senses, and to solve angst about anything from their personal life circumstances to concerns about the political situation. We're not far away from that scenario when insurance companies push doctors to push pills. <br />
<br />
Will you need medication as part of your treatment plan for the problems that bring you to Grace and Truth? Maybe. But let's talk about it and other potential solutions before you choose.<br />
<br />
Blessings, <br />
<br />
Jeffrey J. Williams<br />
Professional Clinical Counselor - Supervising Counselor<br />
Ohio License #E-3098<br />
<br />
<b><i> </i></b>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-4443886829881740402011-02-03T06:04:00.000-08:002011-02-03T06:04:04.895-08:00How Much to Remember: The Balance Between Looking Back and Looking Forward"Do I really have to talk about that?" "It's painful to remember those things." "I'd prefer to focus on the future. Can I move forward without having to go back?"<br />
<br />
Clients often fear that their counselor is going to insist that they talk about unpleasant things from the past. Sadly, this is misunderstood. Counseling by definition is a process always guided by client choice. Clients always have the right and freedom to refuse any recommended treatment process or intervention.<br />
<br />
But there can be advantage to looking back. Consider this analogy:<br />
<br />
You live in a house that has a first floor, second floor and a basement. Imagine that they sink on the second floor is clogged. You get a plumbers snake from the tool box that is long enough to run through the pipes to the basement. How far do you run it down from the sink on the second floor?<br />
<br />
Some of you answer "all the way", but some answered, "As far as you need to in order unclog the drain." That's my answer in counseling. Look as far back as necessary in order that you can go forward.<br />
<br />
Many clients have reasonable resistance to looking back because they've experienced trauma, which is defined as events beyond normal human experience; events such as near death experiences in which they thought that they or someone they love was going to die or be seriously injured, or they were the victim of sadistic abuse by a spouse, parent or stranger (e.g. rape). The dilemma such clients sometimes have is that intrusive thoughts of the past interfere with the present, but intentionally thinking about those events is extremely painful. What to do?<br />
<br />
The conversation I've had with innumerable clients goes like this, "Why am I remembering all of these things now?" Two explanations seem to bear out: 1. Triggers to those memories have been happening; similar dynamics or occurences in a new relationship, a season of the year, sounds, sights, smells that bring back a specific memory, person or period of time, and 2. Your subconscious mind has assessed correctly that are in a position to be able to handle remembering. You are in safe relationships, including our therapeutic relationship, and your mind knows that you can remember and be cared about by me, your spouse, and good friends. Your mind wants closure on things you've suppressed (conscious pushing away of unpleasant thoughts and feelings), and repressed (subconscious hiding of thoughts and feelings so that they are beyond conscious awareness). <br />
<br />
My consistent recommendation to clients that have intrusive thoughts of trauma in their lives is to take control of the process, "Set specific times, including our sessions, that you will intentionally go there to the extent that you are willing. Yes, this may be uncomfortable, but what you are doing is sending a message to your subconscious mind that it doesn't need to keep knocking at the door with intrusive thoughts or flashbacks to get your attention; that you are going there of your own volition." <br />
<br />
Clients who take a long-term slow paced approach to thinking about and grieving traumatic past experiences eventually experience freedom from being emotionally terrorized and overwhelmed, AND they move forward in life w/out symptoms that interfere with their adaptive functioning. They are once again able to concentrate on work, to be emotionally and mentally present in family relationships, and/or focus on and perform on par with their academic abilities. <br />
<br />
How much to remember? As much as you need to in order to move forward. But remember, it should go at your pace as you are willing to push yourself to tolerate unpleasant memories and experiences that your mind once protected you from by denial, numbing and repression. Those defenses are a gift from God as I see them, but aren't band-aids to be left in place forever. Complete healing and restoration comes when bandages are peeled back, wounds exposed tended and submitted to the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor for restoration.<br />
<br />
May God bless you on your journey,<br />
<br />
Jeff Williams<br />
Professional Clinical Counselor - Supervising Counselor<br />
State of Ohio, #E-3098<br />
937-717-5591Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-4053286625584631162011-01-24T14:25:00.000-08:002011-01-24T14:25:07.196-08:00Assessment: Understanding What's Wrong is the First Step to Making it BetterWhat can you expect if you come to Grace and Truth for Counseling? Assessment is the first endeavor; we need to discover what's wrong, when it went wrong and how bad things are in order to begin the process of helping you to make things better. We also ask what's right, but that's a topic for another blog.<br />
<br />
<ul><li>What's wrong? </li>
</ul><ul><li>How did you decide to seek counseling?</li>
</ul><ul><li>What would you like to get better? </li>
</ul><ul><li>What will we talk about in our last session if you get everything you want from this process? </li>
</ul><ul><li>What results from counseling will help be worth the time, effort and finances you invest in it?</li>
</ul><ul><li>If a miracle happens tonight that solves all of your problems, what will be better tomorrow?</li>
</ul><ul><li>On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your life right now? Explain your answer.</li>
</ul><ul><li>If you answer is a (2, 4, 6, etc.) share what is happening that you are glad about and what isn't happening that you would like to begin happening or happen more?</li>
</ul><ul><li>Symptoms are things you experience. and signs are what others see. What are the most difficult symptoms you are experiencing? What signs of problems are others concerned about?</li>
</ul><ul><li>When did the problem(s) begin? What was happening in your life at that time? </li>
</ul><ul><li>What have you done to try to solve your problems? What has worked? What hasn't? </li>
</ul><ul><li>Who has been most helpful to you? How did they help? </li>
</ul><ul><li>If you could solve only one problem through counseling, what would it be? </li>
</ul><ul><li>The main contributors to the beginning and continuation of mental and emotional difficulties are the body, the mind and relationships. </li>
<ul><li>We refer to this as the bio-psycho-social model</li>
<ul><li>Bio is of the body and includes how your body works, physical predisposition to mood disorders, anxiety, addictions, etc. In other words, your family history. How do others bodies work in your family. If there is proneness to mental and/or emotional disorders, what shows up in your family tree?</li>
<li>Psycho is of the mind; what you think about and how you think about it and how those thoughts affect your emotions.</li>
<li>Social is your relationships. What is happening and what has happened in your closest and most influential relationships? What is happening now? Are your relationships overall a source of stress or a blessing? </li>
<ul><li>Which area seems to be most responsible for the difficulties you are having? </li>
<li>What is happening in each area that could contribute to your difficulties? </li>
</ul></ul></ul></ul>This was pretty quick and pretty simple, but hopefully you will find it helpful to reflect on these questions before you come for your first appointment. Our experience is that together we will solve the mystery of why problems are problems and how to make them better.<br />
<br />
More next time on treatment collaborative treatment planning; how together we can efficiently resolve problems and some of the activities outside of session that are helpful in this process.<br />
<br />
Blessings,<br />
<br />
Jeff WilliamsJeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-65187967862306753532011-01-20T07:35:00.000-08:002011-01-20T07:35:59.091-08:00Why Leadership Coaching Might Frustrate You (and ulitimately benefit you)Recently, a coaching client asked my opinion about some decisions they are facing. While part of me wanted to give my opinion, I knew I couldn't because I was wearing my Leadership Coaching hat which requires honoring the fact that this gentleman is responsible to steward his own life and that giving advise would cheat him of the opportunity to build his own decision-making muscles. Thus, I launched into the following reminder about the uniqueness of coaching, and why it might sometimes be frustrating. The re-orientation I wrote to him is below.<br />
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</style> <![endif]--> <div class="MsoNormal">Coaching might frustrate you because I might often answer questions with questions.<span> </span>The reason for this is the uniqueness of Leadership Coaching which is <b><i>“The discipline of believing in people that engages where they are motivated to grow, change or to accomplish goals, that keeps them responsible for the process.”<span> </span></i></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not only do I not have a right to tell you what I think you should do, I also don’t know.<span> </span>Seriously.<span> </span>I believe more in your ability to hear God than my ability to hear for you.<span> </span>Plus, a core value in Christian Leadership Coaching is <i>“Own Life Responsibility”</i>.<span> </span>If I tell you what I think you should do then I usurp your right to steward your life.<span> </span>Does this make sense?<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The furthest I should ever go as a coach is to share what I have done or would do in a set of circumstances, but that only after you have exhausted your own analysis of options for a decision, and only if you ask for it or give me permission to share. After all, part of the reason you’ve chosen me as a coach is because I do have a background of unique life and professional experiences.<span> </span>I won’t cheat you of perspective or learning from those experiences, but I won’t lead with it.<span> </span>Focus on your life, your perspective and your goals and action-strategies will ultimately build you as a better leader of your own life rather than cloning you after me.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sometimes business executives (and ministry leaders/executives) become frustrated with the coach approach because they are used to hierarchical command and control from bosses/supervisors, or receiving advice from consultants.<span> </span>Coaching takes more time because the leader is the one doing the hard work of critical thinking and reflection.<span> </span>I’ve had more than one coaching client become exasperated and say, <i>“Just tell me what to do!”<span> </span></i>If I did it would be akin to taking the wheel out of the hand of a student driver, or taking the hammer away from an apprentice carpenter.<span> </span>The leader who is learning to lead more effectively (in all domains of their life) needs to be the one to rack their brain for phrasing of goals, to generate action-steps and to trouble-shoot challenges.<span> </span>It’s like weight-lifting; the athlete doesn’t become stronger if the coach lifts the weight.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ve also heard from more than one leadership team that I’ve trained in coaching that they don’t have time to coach their employees or volunteers because it would do one or both of the following: </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal">Change the culture from hierarchical command and control which could reduce their value as a decision-maker and supervisor.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="color: navy;"><span style="color: windowtext;">Take too much time which could hinder the bottom line of the company or ministry in the short-run, (e.g., “It’s quicker and safer to tell people what to do, especially when quotas are at stake.”) </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"></span></li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal"> Both of these are true! Integration of a coach approach into one's life or organization CHANGES EVERYTHING! People listen with heart and skill, share more transparently, envision ideal future outcomes, collaborate in problem-solving and much much more. What could be bad about all of that? Well, that's a topic for another blog, but let's leave it at this. Change is challenging. New ways of thinking and relating might ultimately be good, but making changes comes with a price; namely, time, energy, and grief about a way of being that is no longer.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now, this isn’t all there is to be said about the uniqueness of coaching, but it’s a fair introduction to what you can expect if you hire a Christian Leadership Coach.<span> </span>Oh, and by the way.<span> </span>Give it a fair shot.<span> </span>A minimum trial of seven sixty minute sessions over a period of three months is a reasonable span of life to sample the unique potency of this approach to building you as a better leader of your life.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God bless, Jeff <span style="color: navy; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-63972183388381927842011-01-02T06:15:00.000-08:002011-01-02T06:15:37.505-08:00A Recipe for WellnessClients come for counseling to talk about what's wrong. It really throws them when I ask, <i>"What's right? What's going well in your life that you wouldn't want the counseling process to change?"</i><br />
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It's one thing to assess and diagnose problems. Understanding of what the problems are and how they became problems is a necessary first step in the treatment process. But things only get better when solutions to the problems are discovered and applied. It's what I call <b><i>"A Recipe for Wellness" </i></b><br />
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Think about the essential ingredients for your favorite recipe. Perhaps it's pizza, or lasagna, apple pie or homemade ice cream (am I having some cravings?). There are very specific ingredients in very specific quantities, combined in order through a process that will render a tasty product...if you follow the recipe. The counseling process can work in a similar way, though it might take a bit longer than preparing your favorite meal.<br />
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Research has demonstrated that there are three basic categories of variables that can cause, sustain and potentially cure mental and emotional disorders: 1. Biological (the physical component), 2. Psychological (what you think about and how you think about things), and 3. Social (relationships).<br />
<br />
<b>Biological</b> includes genetic heritage, illness or enduring conditions. Predisposition to mood disorders, anxiety, addictions are real. But one's genetics isn't destiny. Our biological blueprint isn't always what will be seen in reality because other variables are powerful enough to produce different results.<br />
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<b>Psychological</b> includes our characteristic way of thinking about ourselves, others and the world in general. It is shaped by a variety of factors including formative relationships (with parents, siblings and other influential family members), life experiences (losses, traumas and successes). Cognitive Behavioral treatment approaches target this area by altering what we think about and HOW we think about things. Such changes result in changes in emotions and perspective.<br />
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<b>Social </b>is our relationships. Are they life-giving or stressful: a source of pain or pleasure; helpful or harmful? How do the most important people in our lives view us? <br />
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This is a quick over-simplification of the basic categories of life that contribute to overall mental health (or can erode it). Why have I written about this? Grace and Truth values a collaborative relationship with our clients. The more you understand about how we think, the more you will be prepared to participate in the process, and the quicker you will get the results that you want. And whether you get counseling at Grace and Truth or elsewhere, you can begin now to identify the factors that contribute to or detract from your mental and emotional health.<br />
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Let me give a quick illustration about how this works in diagnosis and treatment planning:<br />
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A 40 year old woman* comes complaining of episodes of tightness in her chest, shortness of breath, perspiration, racing heartbeat. These began after a particularly stressful season at work where she is responsible to produce a quota of time-sensitive reviews of client applications. She grew up with parents who didn't have a very happy marriage, and who talked out loud about their unhappiness with each other and their children. Admittedly, she has never felt very good about herself. To top it all off, her best friend recently began acting squirrely, like something is wrong between them, but won't tell her what it is. Her husband might be having an affair, and her once obedient children have hit the teen years and their personalities have changed. They are not as pleasant as they used to be. And she feels like her relationship with God is strained.<br />
<br />
What's wrong?<br />
<ul><li>Panic disorder (anxiety symptoms) or heart problems?</li>
<li>Negative self-worth and self-image based on how she thinks about herself?</li>
<li>Grief and loss in significant relationships? </li>
</ul>Again, this is over-simplification, to make a point. It is clear that there are plenty of factors in the bio-psycho-social model to produce a painful experience. After a thorough assessment of all of the contributing variables (ingredients) is completed, it is possible to begin working cooperatively with this client to make adjustments. A medical physical would be in order to rule out other physical factors producing or mimicking the anxiety symptoms. If panic disorder, medication might be indicated. A clear understanding about how she thinks about herself and others (self-talk) would be needed before adjustments could be recommended. And boundaries and other decisions about how to handle relationships would be part of the therapy. <br />
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I'm sure you get this breakdown of factors intuitively. When things go awry in life most of us "assess" what it wrong and why it is wrong. I just wanted to give you and model to break down your understanding of the key areas that counselors are looking at in assessment.<br />
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We see good outcomes at Grace and Truth when clients fully engage the assessment and treatment process. We help this along by providing education about variables that contribute to and erode mental and emotional health, and then ask our clients to examine their lives and share with us about the balance of these factors in their life. The overall goal is to reduce or eliminate the ingredients of pain and displeasure, and to increase the ones that contribute to a sense of physical, emotional and relational well-being. It's a process of identifying and combining ingredients, just like a recipe.<br />
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We hope this helps. If you or someone you love could use some help to sort this out, please call. We'd love to try to be helpful.<br />
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Blessings,<br />
<br />
Jeff Williams<br />
Professional Clinical Counselor - Supervising Counselor<br />
State of Ohio, #E-3098<br />
937-717-5591<br />
*This is a fictional scenario. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is entirely coincidental.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-78716697597090100022010-12-07T08:25:00.000-08:002010-12-07T08:25:26.475-08:00How to Handle the Holidays (before they handle you!)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal">If the holidays go as well as possible, what will you be able to celebrate <i>after </i>they’re over?<span> </span>In other words, what are you hoping for, and what (or who) do you hope to avoid? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Holidays seasons are usually mixed experiences for most of us.<span> </span>We have wishes, hopes and dreams about how they will go, and what we will do.<span> </span>Some desires end up being fulfilled but some aren’t.<span> </span>Proactive planning can increase the probability of getting what we want.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Our suggestion for Happy and fulfilling holidays is to specify desires.<span> </span>You can do this individually and as a family.<span> </span>Ask yourself, “What do I want?”<span> </span>This is a relatively simple, yet powerful exercise. Try it now.<span> </span>See how many bullet points you can come up with. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For example: </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jeff: What do you want for the Christmas Season, Jill?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jill: I’d like to have an open house for friends and family before schedules get too crazy.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jeff: What else would you like?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jill: I’d like to plan an evening we could take Gabby (granddaughter) to the Clifton Mill to see the lights, and have hot chocolate by the waterfalls</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jeff: What else would you like? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You get the idea.<span> </span>You keep asking your spouse and other family members what they would like.<span> </span>Pretty soon, you have a great list of everyone’s desires.<span> </span>Now you can begin to discuss and negotiate how to make these a reality. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This same exercise can be done to identify what you don’t want or what you would like less of.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jeff: What do you not want for the Christmas Season?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jill: I don’t want to be so busy that we don’t have time to enjoy it.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jeff: What else do you not want?</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jill: I don’t want to get exhausted shopping.<span> </span>I want to be strategic about the times and places I go, and get shopping done early in the season.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sometimes emotional topics surface, such as strained or difficult relationships with people you’ll see at holiday celebrations.<span> </span>A great question to ask yourself or each other is “If your interactions with _____ go as well as possible, what would you like to be able to say afterwards about how you did your part to be pleasant.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Once desires have been shared and discussed, the next step is to brainstorm action-steps to accomplish them.<span> </span>This can be done efficiently by coming up with and evaluating options. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in;"><b>Could's (could do's) </b><i>What could you do? What ideas have you thought of? What have you considered? Try to list 5 options for each desire that you would like to become reality.</i> <br />
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The task in step #1 is to generate as many ideas as possible. This is green-light brainstorming. Everything is on the table. No idea is too ridiculous to mention. Often an idea that isn't realistic gives birth to an idea that will work.<br />
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<b>Wants (want to's)</b> - <i>The second step is to evaluate the list of options from step #1.<span> </span>. Which ones do you like, and why? What do you like about them? Which do you not like? What are the advantages or disadvantages to each one? What are obstacles or barriers? Which would you like to try? Which do you think have the best chance of being helpful? </i><br />
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The idea with #2 is to check in with your heart and mind. Which ones are you motivated to try, and which ones do you think will work? Scratch the options from #1 that don't make the cut.<br />
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<b>Will's (will do's)</b>- <i>Now that the list of possible solutions has been shortened, it's time to make a decision about what you will do. Which of the possible action-steps/solutions do you want to do?</i></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.25in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span>The best way to handle the holidays is to get out in front of them by thinking about what would like and what you would like to avoid; forethought in other words.<span> </span>The simple questions suggested above surface desires and the brainstorming process leads to potential strategies, solutions and action-steps.<span> </span>This is the essence of the coaching process for any life circumstance.<span> </span>Begin with the end in mind by thinking about the ideal outcome, then explore your thoughts, feelings and desires around that outcome.<span> </span>Finally, brainstorm possible action-steps to make your desires a reality.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span>We hope this helps!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span>Happy Holidays, Jeff and Jill Williams</span></div>Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-44990904908960082512010-11-11T07:57:00.000-08:002010-11-11T07:57:09.965-08:00How to Make the Most of CounselingIt's a big decision to get some counseling. Usually, by the time a client makes the first call, they've thought a lot about how to solve problems and conflicts, and find themselves at a loss for ideas about how to make things better. It's not uncommon to hear strong emotion and tears on the phone. The first step toward relief is to schedule an appointment, but lasting relief comes through an ongoing commitment to the process.<br />
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It's one thing to get relief by making a call, taking a step to "get some help", and something quite different to commit to a series of appointments that will help to secure lasting relief and solutions.<br />
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Here are some tips to make the most of counseling:<br />
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<b>1. Come to your first appointment prepared</b><br />
<ul><li>Review information and consent documents sent by email</li>
<li>Bring notes/journal about what you want from counseling</li>
<ul><li>What would you like to be different by the time counseling ends?</li>
</ul></ul><b>2. Expect to invest time and finances in 4-6 sessions for the first 6 weeks</b><br />
<ul><li>It takes time for a counselor to "get on board" with you. We need a lot of information to accurately conceptualize what is happening and why. Then we can diagnose and recommend a treatment plan.</li>
<li>The issues that led you to seek counseling probably didn't develop overnight. Give yourself (and your counselor) time to begin unraveling the complexities of your circumstances. </li>
</ul><b>3. Do homework between sessions to extend the value of therapy</b><br />
<ul><li>Growth and change from counseling doesn't just happen in the counselor's office; it happens any time a client(s) intentionally think, write and talk about their issues between sessions. </li>
<li>Some counselors welcome correspondence between sessions</li>
<ul><li>Send journal entries, copies of therapeutic letters, etc.</li>
<li>Grace and Truth policy is to read everything a client send, and to respond as possible to questions and concerns that arise between sessions. Generally this is value-added service, and not billable time (note: privacy of electronic correspondence isn't guaranteed; clients send such communications with this understanding; it is an option, not a requirement.)</li>
</ul></ul><b>4. Be direct with your counselor about what is helpful and what isn't.</b><br />
<ul><li> Remember that a counselor is your servant. You are compensating them for their time and expertise. Don't be afraid to give feedback about the effectiveness of the process</li>
<li>Good counselors ask for feedback on a regular basis. It is part of our ethic to measure progress, and it is unethical to continue a counseling relationship if progress isn't being made.</li>
<ul><li>Here are some of the questions I regularly ask, <i>"Has this been helpful? Are you getting what you hoped for? What would you like more or less from me?" </i></li>
</ul></ul><b>5. Expect to take a break from counseling at some point</b><br />
<ul><li> The duration of counseling varies from weeks to months (rarely does it take place weekly for years on end).</li>
<li>Growth and change takes place in cycles. Expect to take a break after resolving your presenting problems, and/or reaching a plateau en route to your end goal(s)</li>
<li>Most counselors welcome breaks, and return to counseling at some point of felt need in the future.</li>
</ul><b>6. Don't be afraid to ask to transition to a coach approach to goals once pain and problems are resolved.</b><br />
<ul><li>The relationship you have with a dually trained provider and the history you have together can provide a comfortable foundation for continuing work together on life goals (personal and professional). </li>
<li>At Grace and Truth, we sometimes begin with counseling, and end up with coaching.</li>
<li>Remember, counseling is generally about problems and pain, and coaching about goals, growth and change</li>
</ul><b>Summary</b><br />
Ultimately, counseling works if you work it. To get the most from it requires significant investment of time and energy beyond scheduled counseling appointments. It also requires commitment on the part of counselor and client to learn to work together in the most helpful way. This happens best through honest exchanges about what is working and what isn't, with willingness to adjust on the part of the counselor and client.<br />
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Hopefully this will help you to make the most of counseling when you make the big decision to ask for some help.<br />
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Blessings,<br />
<br />
Jeff Williams<b> </b> <br />
Professional Clinical Counselor<br />
State of Ohio License E-#3098Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-4338458313087030352010-10-25T02:46:00.001-07:002010-10-25T03:16:48.696-07:00Could's, Want's and Will's: Three Steps to Creative Solutions for Complex Problems"If I knew how to solve these problems, I wouldn't be here!" My client was aggravated, but they'd misunderstood my question, which was, "What have you thought about doing to solve this?" I understood their frustration, and was sorry that I'd contributed to it, but still, I always want to work collaboratively with counseling clients. As I see it, I'm their servant with expertise to diagnose and suggest a treatment plan according to proven best practices that research has demonstrated to be effective. Still, a collaborative approach empowers them to actively participate in the process instead of passively awaiting direction.<br /><br />True, counselors have expert knowledge and experience in mental and emotional disorders, complex marital and family situations, addictions, etc., but still the client has to live with the results of their choices. Thus, the ethic under informed consent is always that they have the right to refuse any recommendation from the counselor, and/or to terminate services at any point. The way I make this arrangement with clients is to generate solutions together. Sure, I offer ideas based on research and experience, but ultimately what they choose to do is up to them.<br /><br />Here is an efficient brain-storming and evaluation process to develop and select solutions: <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />1. Could's (could do's) </span> <span style="font-style:italic;">What could you do to work toward a solution? What ideas have you thought of? What have you considered? If I have some ideas would you like to hear them?</span><br /><br />The task in step #1 is to generate as many ideas as possible. This is green-light brainstorming. Everything is on the table. No idea is too ridiculous to mention. Often an idea that isn't realistic gives birth to an idea that will work.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2. Wants (want to's)</span> - <span style="font-style:italic;">The second step is to evaluate the list of could's. Which ones do you like, and why? What do you like about them? Which one's do you not like? What are the advantages or disadvantages to each one? What are obstacles or barriers? Which would you like to try? Which do you think have the best chance of being helpful? </span><br /><br />The idea with #2 is to check in with your heart and mind. Which ones are you motivated to try, and which ones do you think will work? Scratch the options from #1 that don't make the cut.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Will's (will do's)</span>- <span style="font-style:italic;">Now that the list of possible solutions has been shortened, it's time to make a decision about what you will do. Which of the want to's do you want to do? </span><br /><br />The premise of this last step is that people are more likely to do what they want to do than what you tell them to do. However, different than coaching, in counseling there are some choices that a client makes that are a deal-breaker for the counseling relationship; such as repeated no-show's, delinquency with fees, AND the Big One, not coming for appointments per the frequency recommended per the assessment of the acuity of their problems. Just as in medicine, if a client doesn't comply with a minimum treatment format (prescribed frequency of sessions), the counselor can't be responsible for their welfare.<br /><br />Okay, back to the commitment phase for solutions. What will you do? What will you commit to doing? An action-step toward solution of problems isn't legitimate until a client specifies the date and time they are going to do the step. In counseling these can include talking with a spouse about the truth in a situation, making an appointment with their doctor to be evaluated for medication, setting a limit or boundary with a child or extended family member, journaling about a traumatic experience, etc.<br /><br />In summary, effective solutions to problems can be efficiently generated through three steps. Consider what you could do, evaluate this list according to your desire, "Which of these do you want to do?", and finally, which one's will you commit to doing?<br /><br />FYI, this post was a result of such a process. "I could write a blog to educate current and potential clients about an effective problem-solving process. I want to do that because I want it to be in writing so that I can reference it and make it a hand-out. I'm going to do it this morning while the idea is fresh." Voila, done in 30 minutes!<br /><br />Continuing the journey in His Grace and by His Truth, <br /><br />Jeff Williams<br />Professional Clinical Counselor<br />State of Ohio, License #E-3098Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-6975736470137388852010-09-21T04:04:00.000-07:002010-09-21T04:43:27.272-07:00Change Takes Time (and requires investment)Pain motivates people, but only for a short time. When in distress, people will do about anything you ask if they think you can help them to alleviate their discomfort. <br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"Could you come for an appointment at ________?"</span> Client, <span style="font-style:italic;">"Sure, whenever you say. Nothing is more important than this right now." </span> But, get a few weeks down the road, and scheduling becomes a challenge. <span style="font-style:italic;">"Things are just so busy right now. I'll have to wait a few weeks before scheduling my next appointment."</span><br /><br />Social Psychology has proven that we humans are creatures of habit, and that the inertia of our psyche is to keep doing the same things and thinking the same ways, even if they are unhealthy. We need look no further than to those who live in codependent relationships or repeatedly subject themselves to spousal abuse (domestic violence) to illustrate this sad truth. <br /><br />At Grace and Truth we proclaim the truth that with God all things are possible, but they might not come easily. We say this to our clients like this, <span style="font-style:italic;">"The good news is that (your marriage can be saved/you can learn healthier ways to relate to your spouse/children, you can learn to live sober and clean, your depression/anxiety can be alleviated...BUT the bad news is that it is going to take time and require significant effort on your part."</span><br /><br />After a few years of taking calls from potential clients in crisis, I usually have a pretty good idea which ones will follow through with time, effort and financial investment in a counseling or coaching process designed to help them live more pleasurably and productively. They are the ones that lead with statements like this, <span style="font-style:italic;">"We know that things didn't get this way overnight, and we don't expect them to get better overnight. We're prepared to invest in this process as long as it takes, because we can't go on living like this any longer." </span> They lead with a description of their difficulties, ask if I'm experienced in helping with such issues, and treat the opportunity to be helped as a privilege.<br /><br />Those that aren't apt to follow through lead with statements about how difficult it will be to say no to their current schedule of activities (the kids have this and that, I'm a volunteer here or there), and disclosure that they are shopping for the most cost effective option. <br /><br />I'll close with an observation by <a href="http://www.hughhewitt.com">Hugh Hewitt</a>,from his book, "In But Not Of: A Guide to Christian Ambition". (paraphrase) <span style="font-style:italic;">"I know of a retired officer (a Colonel) in the French Army. He wanted to be a General, and could have been, but I guarantee you that if you take a look at his career, there was a time when he was faced with the choice to pay the price to become a General, and he said no. It's not enough to say that you want to accomplish something, <span style="font-weight:bold;">you must also be willing to pay the price</span>."</span><br /><br />Sustainable motivation is a function of clear vision about what can be, sober understanding that realizing our goals and dreams will be costly, and sustained effort in the process.<br /><br />What do you want? And, are you willing to pay the price?Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-39208093069355639432010-05-16T10:16:00.000-07:002010-05-16T10:42:54.944-07:00Understanding, Insight and Ownership: Three Keys to Managing Mental and Emotional IIllnesses<span style="font-style:italic;">"How can I support my friend with a mental illness?" </span><br />It's a great question, and one I get often from pastors, spouses, and friends of my clients who come to appointments to support their loved ones.<br /><br />1. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Ask them.</span> Ask how you can be helpful. Answers are likely to range from "I don't know", to very specific requests, "Keep being my friend", "Check with me if I'm keeping my appointments, exercising, eating well, taking my medication, etc." Remember, just because a person is struggling with a mental or emotional disorder doesn't mean that they are incompetent or irresponsible. Treat them with respect and allow them dignity by asking them how you can be helpful.<br /><br />2. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Learn about the illness or disorder.</span> There is plenty of information available on most conditions on the internet. Search the term and read up from reputable sources. Information is power. Check out what you learn with the person who has the condition. Ask them to teach you about it. This is also a great way to evaluate the extent to which they have accepted responsibility to care for themselves. Clients who learn everything they can about their illness, and act on recommendations to manage it are very different than those in denial or unwilling to take good care of themselves. <br /><br />3.<span style="font-weight:bold;"> Plan for worst case scenarios.</span> What if your loved one has a condition that is prone to relapse after periods of remission? Have a discussion with them while they are rational and responsible. Well-known Family Coach, Dr. Gary Rosberg publicly tells the story how his good friend Steve Farrar flew across the country to drag Gary out of his bedroom when he relapsed into severe depression. <span style="font-style:italic;">"That's what a good friend will do"</span> Gary said. <span style="font-style:italic;">"I'd told Steve to come after me if ever I refused his calls, and my wife confirmed her concern for me. The first night he arrived, I refused to see him and told him to go home. He stayed through the night and confronted me the next morning. It meant everything that someone cared enough to come after me when I was in a bad place, and even was impolite to them.</span>"*<br /><br />In my experience, those that do best in recovery from mental and emotional disorders <span style="font-weight:bold;">understand</span> the nature and severity of their illness and how to manage it, have <span style="font-weight:bold;">insight</span> into the effect of the disorder on their loved ones, and take <span style="font-weight:bold;">ownership</span> over their illness to do everything in their power to manage it.<br /><br />Persons who have a disorder but don't take responsibility to learn about it, who don't take responsibility to manage it, and don't consider how it affects their loved ones unnecessarily extend the effects of their condition onto others. And, through their irresponsibility they ask for others to take responsibility. For instance, if it is critical for a person with Bipolar Disorder to take their medication on a regular basis to maintain a stable mood and rational behavior, whose responsibility is it to remember to take the medication? Ideally, a person with such a disorder will take the same level of responsibility that a person with diabetes takes to measure their blood sugar and to inject proper doses of insulin. <br /><br />How can you help your loved one? Begin by asking how you can help. Educate yourself about the illness, and collaborate on a plan of action if a disabling relapse occurs. <br /><br />And remember, keep giving the grace to try again, and truth spoken in love to help them be successful!<br /><br />blessings, Jeff <br /><br />*Personal conversation with Dr. Rosberg, July 2006Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-61648994020161675932010-05-02T04:20:00.000-07:002010-05-02T04:52:20.008-07:00Perseverance - The Way the Turtle WalkedHe's trying to earn trust. She's watching skeptically after years of deception. He wants to save their marriage. She's not sure her heart can take the possibility of more disappointment. He's being diligent in counseling and working a "program"* She's mildly hopeful, but still wary. <span style="font-style:italic;">"It's going to take time to regain my trust", </span>she said. <br /><br />Suddenly this phrase popped into my mind, <span style="font-style:italic;">"The way the turtle walked."</span> I tried it out with the couple and it made sense. <br /><br />The turtle (tortoise) in Aesop's fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" ran the race very slowly. He went as fast as he could, which was pretty slow, but he never stopped. Step by step he plodded toward the finish. And you know the rest of the story...he finished before the hare. Why? Because the impetuous and undisciplined rabbit ran the race in fits and starts. He went lickety-split one moment and collapsed in exhaustion the next.<br /><br />When I see a new client for counseling I always wonder if they are going to be more like the tortoise or the hare, especially if they come in crisis...and many come in crisis. <span style="font-style:italic;">"Will they persist in doing all that they need to do, over time, to grow, to heal, to resolve their relational discord?"</span> I wonder. <br /><br />Often, clients muster the courage to ask an important question at the end of their first or second appointment. "Is there any hope for me (i.e., my marriage, my future, etc.)?" The question is akin to asking a medical doctor, "Am I going to live?" <br /><br />My answer is nearly always the same, and I mean it because I've seen miracles. <br /><br />ABSOLUTELY, BECAUSE GOD'S WAY WORKS, AND PERSEVERANCE WINS THE RACE! <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />"Do this God's way, and persist in doing all that you need to, and you will be surprised by the outcome."</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />In the natural, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.</span> People will generally tend to continue doing what they have always done. Habits of thinking and ways of relating and getting needs met are hard to break, but break the must, and be replaced by new habits in order to improve quality of life and relationships when they are broken. <br /><br />But for the person willing to walk in faith, who will dare to envision and believe for what is not yet reality, what they cannot see (Hebrews 11:1), the impossible is possible. This is the x-factor for the Christ-follower who wants to develop new and healthier ways of thinking and relating. And, it's my privilege as a Christian Counselor to believe in faith for the possibility of such outcomes.<br /><br />Can you be well? Can your marriage be saved? Can your family relationships be restored? YES! If you will believe in faith for such outcome and then pay due diligence over time, just like the tortoise who persevered!<br /><br />God's way works, and perseverance wins the race!<br /><br />Jeff and Jill Williams<br />Co-founders, Grace and Truth Counseling and Coaching<br />www.graceandtruthrelationship.com <br /><br /><br /><br />*Program refers to recovery from addiction. Today, many addictions have been defined. Recovery usually involves participation in some form of a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate recovery, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-64947422374249134252010-03-22T03:16:00.000-07:002010-03-22T03:45:01.462-07:00Recovering Me: The Process of Restoring Your LifeOne of the saddest situations I've ever witnessed during my career as a Professional Clinical Counselor was in an hospital emergency room. The patient was unkempt, bandaged and alone. His wrists were bandaged due to self-inflicted wounds. His <span style="font-weight:bold;">"suicide attempt"</span> wasn't lethal, but it was a cry for help and attention. After being debriefed by the ER physician about this gentleman's repeated visits to the hospital I called his parents to ask them to come to take him home.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"We're done with him", they said. "He's done this so many times, and we've given so much. We actually consider him dead. I'm sorry. We're not willing to do anything."</span><br /><br />Ummm....beyond hope, beyond help? <br /><br />Initially I was angry with the parents. <span style="font-style:italic;">"How could they?"</span> But then I realized that this man was the proverbial <span style="font-style:italic;">'boy who cried wolf' or the 'prodigal's son'. </span> Time after time he'd been offered the best in life (His family said so), but he'd lied, stolen, and otherwise squandered the opportunities he'd been offered. Sad.<br /><br />I left the ER that night wondering what might happen to this man. It seemed that there was no one there for him. I called churches and most shelters were full. The ones that had space said no after hearing his history.<br /><br />While I'd like to believe that people can have an infinite number of opportunities to "be whole" and to "get well", it simply isn't true. After a person defiles and degrades themselves enough times, it becomes nearly impossible for them to crawl out of the garbage dump they've created. Addictions, abuse, lies, broken relationships...at any point the harder decision to live clean in healthier relationships and with integrity could be made...but none of us can make such decision for another. We can only invite, suggest, support, hope and pray. <br /><br />The reality is that each of us has <span style="font-style:italic;">"own life responsibility"</span>; we are responsible for our own lives. And, there is a point at which we, and no one else, must shoulder at least a portion of the burden by ourselves. We must be the one to say yes to the counseling appointment, the recovery group, the friendship that is offered by a caring friend, or the supportive love of a family member.<br /><br />Jesus asked several if they wanted to be well. When they said yes, He gave instruction, "Stand up". Notice that He didn't lift them to their feet against their will. He won't do that, and neither should we.<br /><br />People helpers can become frustrated and tempted to compromise healthy boundaries when those they are trying to help don't cooperate with their efforts. The rule of thumb is to never work harder than the one who says they want help. That doesn't mean that we won't work hard. We will. But we mustn't work harder than the one who "owns" the problem; the desire to recover their life.<br /><br />I like to give responsibility to my clients for their recovery and healing process. This puts responsibility where it belongs, builds their self-esteem, and ultimately strengthens them as a better leader of their own life. One practical way to do this is to have a client draft a comprehensive plan for their treatment. <span style="font-style:italic;">"List all of the issues you want to work on and the desired outcome. Include all of the people that you would like to involve to support and encourage you and the services that you know of that could be helpful." </span> This isn't abdication of responsibility by the professional, but rather appropriate challenge to the client to dig deep for the resources and opportunities of which they are aware. Then, I collaborate with them to form a plan that we both think will work and that they are excited to pursue.<br /><br />It is possible to recover from the depths of despair and to be free from psychological trauma, emotional entanglements, and debilitating symptoms of emotional and mental disorders. Is the process easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely. <br /><br />Working as hard as you will, <br /><br />JeffJeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-21260087655004901062010-03-10T03:50:00.001-08:002010-03-10T04:07:35.187-08:00How to Handle Relational Hit and Runs<span style="font-style:italic;">“Hey Coach, do you have a minute? I have a few questions about the game?” </span> I stopped walking toward the bus with my football team, and turned to prepare to honor the gentleman’s request. My Vice-Principal knew better. <span style="font-style:italic;">“Keep walking Jeff. This won’t be good.”</span> Because I was confused by his counsel to refuse the conversation, and because I was trained to respond politely to requests, I turned to the man to indicate my willingness to hear his questions. <span style="font-style:italic;">“Sure, what’s on your mind?” </span> This angry heckler proceeded to ask rhetorical questions to make several points of disagreement about how I’d handled the game. After a few failed attempts to respond (the heckler didn’t play fair by giving me an opportunity to be heard), the Vice-Principal put his hand in my back to move me away, and said, <span style="font-style:italic;">“I told you. He doesn’t want to have a conversation. He only wants to take his anger out on you.” </span> <br /><br />Coaching that Jr. High football team between 1992-95 was an eye-opener. Looking back, I was naïve about some things. When people asked to converse I assumed they came with good-will. But that experience as well as some others has provided reason for caution. <br /><br />Have you had the experience of having your words taken out of context, being unfairly accused or receiving a verbal or written account of the way things really are and then being blocked from responding? That’s what I’m calling a <span style="font-weight:bold;">Relational Hit and Run</span>; <span style="font-style:italic;">when someone makes their point but then leaves the scene by refusing dialogue to clarify and resolve the disagreement.</span> It’s anything but healthy, but it can be handled well. Wisdom and self-control are two of the key components in deciding how to respond.<br /><br />Such an incident happened to me again recently. The offender fired their salvos in writing and concluded, <span style="font-style:italic;">“Do not contact me.”</span> Jill was privy to it, and it infuriated her. “Are you going to tell _____” she asked. <span style="font-style:italic;">“No, I’m not going to respond at all. What’s there to say? And why add more fuel to the fire. I could have the best intentions and still things are probably going to be twisted and thrown back at me. I know what’s been in my heart, and what I’ve done." </span><br /><br />It takes two to make a relationship work. That’s obvious, eh? But what isn’t as clear is how often and how long to reach out to do your part. It’s like handshake. How long do you leave your hand dangling in thin air to await the other person’s grasp? You can do your part to reach out, but if they don’t reciprocate, there’s no connection. <br /><br />Unjust accusations, refusals to engage conversation, absence of openness to clarification; they are all indications of an absence of good-will, and killers of relationships. How sad. It doesn’t have to be this way. Give and take, speak and listen, struggle through misunderstandings…when both parties are willing. When one is and the other isn’t willing is an untenable situation.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Consider Jesus.</span> Thankfully He provides a stellar example in such circumstances. Remember, he was a man familiar acquainted with suffering, even relational suffering. How he handled accusations and maltreatment gave us a great template for responding to hit runs in relationships.<br /><br />I Peter 2:23 (NIV) - <span style="font-style:italic;">When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.</span><br /><br />Have you been hit recently? Did the hitter run from the scene? Are you left to recover after the assault, without clear recourse to further engage the relationship in a helpful way? Keep your eyes open. Don’t become hardened by the offense. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and God may give you an effective way to engage the person who left the scene. In the meantime, my counsel is to ask God to set a guard on your lips and to respond like Jesus who did not retaliate and who made no threats. Rather, entrust yourself to Him who judges justly.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-74242742400781629542010-02-21T10:10:00.001-08:002010-02-21T16:57:16.992-08:00Three Types of Counseling Clients: Customers, Complainants and VisitorsNot everyone who comes for counseling wants help for themselves. Some come to complain about others, and some come to satisfy the mandate of their spouse, employer or the court. Job #1 for the counselor is to determine which type of client is in their office. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Customers</span> really want help. They're motivated to grow and change or to figure out a solution for a complicated situation because they are in emotional and/or physical distress. They are experiencing uncomfortable symptoms that might indicate an emotional or mental disorder, grief or some type of transition. They WANT help, and they are willing to do almost anything the counselor recommends to alleviate their distress or to make progress through a relational or vocational dilemma. We counselors love to serve this type of client. Why? They cooperate with our purpose, which is to help people. Unfortunately, other types are not as easy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Complainants</span> come to counseling appointments to inform the counselor of all the bad things that their spouse, child or employer has done. "It's about time they get some help" is their not so subtle pronouncement when they enter the office. The point is usually lost on them that they might be part of the problem, either in the way that they are responding to their loved one (who isn't feeling their love), or because they actually precipitated the circumstance by some injurious attitude, words or behavior. The task of the counselor with complainants is to facilitate their catharsis with good-will and respect, while praying and waiting for them to indict themselves as part of the "identified client's" problems, or they invite the counselor to opine. "You've heard the way I see things. How do you see things?" Effective listening with sincerity and respect often earns the right to be heard. At that juncture it becomes possible to transition the "complainant" to a "customer" who is willing to work on something to help the "identified client", or to improve the situation. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Visitors</span> are clients that have been mandated to attend counseling. Either their spouse, employer or a good friend has somehow given an ultimatum or leveraged them "to at least try counseling before you ________ (divorce, quit your job, continue your addiction, etc.)." The classic visitor sits mostly silent with arms crossed, daring the "shrink" to "get me to talk". This is where the psychologically trained professional earns the full fee. While a temptation is to refuse to play the game, compassion and discernment usually reveals that the visitor is scared. Why else would they respond to pressure of ultimatum? There must be something they fear worse than counseling, such as loss of relationship, job, or freedom (e.g., counseling in lieu of incarceration). Once that is discovered, it becomes possible to transition the visitor to the posture of a customer. There must be something they want. One of my most effective questions is this, "What's the least amount of change that _____ (the one that mandated counseling) wants to see that would get them off your back?" This makes possible the development of a therapeutic alliance with the visitor. Now you can start working on something together. The clients experiences the counselor as being in their corner. Once the objective they chose is satisfied, it is not uncommon for such clients to identify other objectives. "Hey, you helped me with that. Maybe you can help me with ____." That's pay-dirt in a therapeutic relationship; an invitation to be helpful. <br /><br />Whether you are making a referral or going for counseling yourself, this taxonomy of clients can be helpful. When making a referral, consider how you see the client. Are they highly motivated and willing to take responsibility? Are they blind to their part of the situation, but willing to attend counseling with a loved one? Or are you having to cash in all your relational equity chips to get them to "go to counseling" or else lose their job or relationship with you? With the training above you can figure out which is which, and provide the receiving counselor with a bit more information that will help them to be effective.<br /><br />God bless, <br /><br />JeffJeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5802854883441599859.post-34366536038737902132010-02-16T04:05:00.000-08:002010-02-16T04:37:41.793-08:00What do you mean they need counseling?I wish I had a dollar for every time I've had a conversation like this: <br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />"What do you do for a living?"</span><br /><br />Me -<span style="font-style:italic;"> "I'm a professional counselor. I help people that have mental or emotional disorders."</span><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />"Oh, I know someone who really needs your help."</span><br /><br />Me - <span style="font-style:italic;">"Do they know it?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">"No, not really. How could we get them to see you? Will you call them?"</span><br /><br />Me - <span style="font-style:italic;">"No."</span><br /><br />"Why not?"<br /><br />Me - <span style="font-style:italic;">"It really doesn't work very well for me to call people to tell them that they need help. They need to see it for themselves or to hear it from people that care for them. And, it needs to be concern in love, such as, 'I really care about you and I see you struggling with some difficult things in life right now. Would you consider seeing a professional to help you to understand what's happening and how to make things better?'"<br /><br />"Oh, okay. Maybe I'll have that conversation. What's your number?"</span><br /><br />Me - <span style="font-style:italic;">"Here's a card. I would be happy to talk with your friend briefly before even scheduling an appointment. Some people are pretty nervous about counseling. They fear that they're going to be diagnosed and told what's wrong with them, or like going to a Dr. that they're going to find out that they have a problem that can't be fixed. Sometimes meeting me briefly and hearing how I approach counseling can help to put them at ease enough that they are willing to schedule an appointment."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">What it means when someone says, "They need counseling."</span><br /><br />1. They care about someone that is going through a really hard and they don't know how to help them.<br /><br />2. They see someone making bad decisions that are going to have negative consequences. They've tried to get them to stop, but haven't been successful.<br /><br />3. They know someone that is very annoying or disruptive, but that person either doesn't know it or isn't willing to change.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Getting People to Counseling</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />1. Offer to go with them.<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">This is a highly effective way to get someone over the hump of anxiety about counseling, especially if they've never gone before. In addition to your comforting presence, you are conveying that they are worth your time and that their situation warrants your sacrifice.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2. Disclose that you once sought counseling and how it was helpful.</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span> My list of client testimonies includes disclosure from a community leader about the benefits of my counseling for him and his entire family. It is really powerful and puts people at ease when high functioning people that are respected in the community normalize counseling as a ministry God has provided for the health and strengthening of the Body of Christ!<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">3. Promise to stay alongside as they go through the process.</span></span> I celebrate supportive pastors and friends that are willing to attend sessions, and spend extra time to listen and to encourage. At best, counseling catalyzed growth and change in person's life. In crisis, a client may have 2-3 hours of counseling each week (although 1 hour is more common). This is a very small fraction of the hours in a week (168). That's a lot of life to be lived between appointments. Those that continue to live in the midst of a supportive social and faith community get through their difficulties more quickly.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-style:italic;">What do YOU mean, "They need counseling"? </span></span><br />The next time the thought crosses your mind, "They need counseling" think through it with these questions: <br /><br />1. Why do I think that? What do I mean? <br /><br />2. What outcome would I like to see or that I think is possible if they get effective counseling? What will be happening or won't be happening after they've been counseled effectively? <br /><br />3. How can I help in the process? What role would God have me play in getting some help for them and/or supporting them in the process? <br /><br />4. What would I want from friends, pastors, and others if I were going through a time like this? <br /><br />When you think, "They need counseling" it's a pretty serious thought. Some disorders have mortality rate associated with them. And some life circumstances put otherwise normally functioning people at risk to commit suicide or homicide. And many people needlessly suffer prolonged bouts of depression and anxiety because they haven't had access to state of the art diagnosis and treatment. It's better to err on the side of caution by consulting with a professional about your concerns and how to get a person into treatment than to have something happen and live with regret.Jeff Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14320656760851509382noreply@blogger.com0