Good Reasons: Why People do the Things They Do

Why do people do the things they do?  For Good Reasons.  

Dig deep enough, long enough and you will discover that people have good reasons for the ways they act, feel and respond.

"Why did I/do I do that?"  "For a good reason' has become my stock response.  But its more than a cliche.  I believe it.

Twenty-three years in Clinical Psychology, thousands of patients later, and I have yet to serve a person, marriage or family with "problems" that didn't make sense (eventually).  Listen long enough to appreciate the context in which people's problems have developed and surfaced, and you'll find a good reason for the way they act, the beliefs  they believe and the things they do.

I don't get surprised much anymore.  And I hope I have a poker face.  Our youngest, Laura, says I do.  Upon Harley's rescue (our dog) from a runaway episode into busy traffic Laura asked why I wasn't more visibly upset. "I"m sorry, honey.  Guess I'm a bit desensitized by the things I hear and see everyday."

Consider these scenarios:

• Her father began violating her during the middle of the night when she was three.  
• His nights were filled with moans and screams from his mother's escapades with abusive men.  
• A pedophile fulfilled her desperation for affection after her father 'disappeared' into himself with serious illness. 
• She spent entire days cleaning and re-cleaning the bathroom.  
• She 'loses it' if he becomes authoritarian (like her dad).  
• He lacks compassion when she cries, and finds himself wanting to pile on the abuse.

It all sounds pretty sick, right?  But dig a little deeper.  Let them tell their life story. Walk in their shoes for a few hours and it will begin to make sense.  I promise.

Neurotic reasoning and responses remain hidden until the valid reasons for their existence are discovered, understood and accepted. But this happens only in environments and where Grace is the fragrance of the relationship.  

Do you do this for those that God has put on your path?  Does the scent of acceptance and understanding waft around you?

Pat Conroy, said it well in his book, "The Prince of Tides" through one his characters who was severely abused throughout his childhood.

'People are quick to judge my relationship failures.  But they haven't lived my life.  They judge by my appearance that I am like a racing Schooner (boat) that should cut through the water fast and true, but fail to see that below the waterline that the hull is full of holes, and that I'm doing well just to make the sucker float.'

Sit with such a person long enough, and lovingly listen with heart and skill, and I guarantee that their attitudes and behavior will begin to make sense. And as you validate and accept that they have good reasons, those reasons will begin to make sense to them.  They will connect the dots, and begin to act (and react) out of awareness rather than self-protective habit.

And as you do this, you will be administering Grace while recognizing the Truth of their lives, and your manner will be full of Grace and Truth!

The results of such understanding ministry will be a more whole and healthy Body of Christ, one person, one marriage, one family at a time.

Hopefully, Jeff

*Jeff Williams is founding director of the global counseling and coaching ministry, Grace & Truth Counseling and Coaching.

Recovering ME, and Recovering US

It's a story all too common.  She's at the end of her long-suffering patience, and has fled to freedom in the home of a safe friend or family member.  She's been a good troop for too long.  "Whatever you want, honey" she's said so many times that she no longer knows what she wants.

"I've lost me, and I've got to have some space to find myself.  For way too long I've given in to keep the peace, but I can't go another day like this."

Lost ones present for counseling because their mind has taken over the body to produce symptoms that can't be ignored.  Panic disorder is common.  The symptoms resemble those of a heart attack; tightness and heaviness in the chest, shortness of breath, tingling or numbness in fingers and arms and an impending sense of doom, that something bad is going to happen.

The really tough ones, and most of them are, buck it up for a long time . . . so long that by the time we see them they're in pretty bad shape and we're astounded how they've survived with such painful symptoms.  "I thought there was something wrong with me that I was feeling this way."  No, Mam.  It's normal to feel like you do when you are absorbed into the life of another for their good but not yours.  Your symptoms is your mind's way of telling you that the dynamic of your relationship is unhealthy, and its high time to do something about it.  You probably aren't going to be able to tough your way out of this one.  It's going to require real change in you, and in him for the symptoms to subside."

And so we embark on a journey on which she will rediscover herself; her honest thoughts, feelings and desires.  And she will begin to say No as often as she said yes in the past, setting healthy boundaries regarding where he stops and where she begins.

There is so much more that could be said, but let's end with a short answer.  LOVE.

I Corinthians 13 makes clear that healthy love, the highest form of love is sacrificial in the best interest of another.  Whereas self-love doesn't consider or honor the needs of others.

How's the balance of selfless love in your relationship?  Is it all about him (or her)?  Or is there sharing and reciprocity?

Biblical marriage is about sacrificial love and sharing, not domination and submission as has too oft been misquoted and misappropriated.  If that's your story, or someone you care about, get them some good counsel that tells the truth to men and women alike; that its about both of them and not just one of them.

Hopefully,

Jeff

*Jeff Williams is a Supervising Professional Clinical Counselor who also coaches and trains marriages with his wife Jill.  Grace & Truth Counseling and Coaching

Tears That Heal

"I'm not going to cry today" said my tough minded client.  "Okay" I replied as I watched them toss the Kleenex box to the other side of the couch.  "I'm tired of crying."   A few minutes later they reached for the box.  "Guess I'm not done being sad . . . ".  "It's okay.  In fact, I'm encouraged that you are able to grieve and that you are letting yourself.  To a therapist tears are healthy.  See the tears in my eyes?  I feel compassion for what you're going through, and its good that you are letting yourself feel the magnitude of the loss and change in your life.  Keep the tears in and you've got a pretty good recipe for depression and anger.  Let them out . . . even though you're tired  of how it feels and you'll get through this time to a 'new normal'.

It's hard to think of a case that turned out well without some tears.  Whether it was grief about tragic death, remorse for infidelity, harsh and unkind treatment of a spouse, anger and sadness at self for wasted time and opportunities due to selfish pursuits or the damage done by addictions . . . clients need to cry.

I know that folks we serve are cooperating with the process when they look for the Kleenex box and put it beside them at the beginning of a session, "Just in case" they say.  They we often cry together.

At Grace & Truth we regularly see God turn mourning into dancing, but not before tears have soaked the dance floor.  Healing and growth isn't necessarily comfortable or easy, but its worth it.

Are you holding back tears? Tired of crying?  Who are you comfortable to cry with?

Joy comes in the morning because joy is restored through mourning.

Compassionately,

Jeff

*Jeff Williams is a Supervising Professional Clinical Counselor, Founder and Director of Grace & Truth Counseling which provided clinical counseling and life, leadership and relationship coaching globally, www.graceandtruthrelationship.com

24 Reasons I Love My Therapy Sessions

Blogger's note: A client recently shared* that their therapy sessions are a highlight of their week.  They were surprised that I was surprised!  Upon reading the list of reasons I was moved and gratified.  Life-giving care that helps our clients to improve relationship with God, themselves and others is the reason we exist. 

Why I love my therapy sessions...
 

1.  It improves my outlook on life.

2.  I feel better about my faults.

3.  It helps me to see fallacies in my thought processes.

4.  It is a scheduled time in my week where I am committed to working on my mental health.

5.  I am accepted just as I am, no matter what.

6.  There is almost always something to laugh about, or at least enjoy.

7.  It makes me REALLY think about my relationships with God, family and friends.

8.  I can set priorities in my life better after talking them out with someone trained to walk me through my convoluted thinking.

9.  Mutual respect and sharing.

10.  I learn something new each time.

11.  It motivates me to improve myself.

12.  I am encouraged to be my true self and to be true to myself.

13.  It strengthens my faith as I see prayers answered.

14.  I learn a new way of thinking and perceiving myself and those around me.

15.  The things I learn are things that I can take with me and share with others.

16.  It allows me to give encouragement and hope to others.

17.  It refreshes me and strengthens me for another week.

18.  The prayers.

19.  The laughter and the tears; the emotional involvement in my life from the very beginning.

20.  Godly counsel and wisdom.

21.  I don’t just feel loved, I know I am.

22.  It is a place where the impossible is possible.

23.  Healing my mind is just a stepping stone to healing my heart.

24.  The way my relationship with my Father has blossomed as a result of advice, example, and relationship.

*Used by permission

**Do you need assistance achieving similar results?  We would love to have an opportunity to help!

Call 937-717-5591 for an appointment 

My Journey: From Suicidal Despair to Wholeness and Hope

Check out this true account of a miraculous journey.  What one woman can do, others can do.

Click HERE to read this inspiring story.

When to Ask for Help

Ask for help when you don't know how to help yourself, or the information and assistance provided by an expert will expedite resolution of your problems.

I was impressed by the wisdom of the young man in my office. "Why did you ask for counseling?" I asked. "Some of the brightest people in history had breakdowns; Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein for instance", he said.  Instantly I realized that this case had a good prognosis.  Wisdom to ask for assistance is often accompanied by humility, a teachable spirit, and motivation to do whatever is necessary to resolve painful problems...and it is a mark of great leaders. 

Leaders, you ask?  Yes, leaders, as in we are each responsible to lead our own lives, and if we influence only one other person, then we are a leader per one popular definition, "Leadership is influence."

So, this young man is serious about living a life of impact, commensurate with his God-given intellect and creativity.  And, he is already evincing a key quality of effective leadership; wisdom regarding when to ask for help.

Great leaders make great decisions by gathering as much information as possible before the decision deadline.  That's why we see a multiplicity of advisers around Presidents, and numerous consultants employed by business executives.  Great leaders turn to experts for information and perspective as an essential part of their process of executive decision-making.

And so it is for you, and me; leaders of our own lives.

When to ask for help?  When you don't know the answer, or when information and perspective provided by an expert could hasten the solution.

"Of course I'll try what you've suggested" the young man said.  "You've got the degrees" he said as he pointed to the wall.  "That's why I'm here; to learn from you how to help myself".  

As a counselor I couldn't ask for a better scenario.

By the way, do you now how many counselor's it takes to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change....

blessings, Jeff

Jeffrey J. Williams is licensed as a Professional Clinical Counsleor and Supervising Counselor in the State of Ohio, License #E-3098

Pay to Talk because Talking Pays Off

The New York times posted a series of articles this past week about how the majority of U.S. Psychiatrists (approx. 48,00) have decided that it doesn't pay to talk to patients about their problems.  It's not that they don't believe it doesn't help, but rather that they can get paid more for three 15 minute medication sessions, than one 45 minute therapy session. 

Check out the response from the Chief Executive of the American Psychological Association:

"As “Talk Doesn’t Pay, So Psychiatry Turns Instead to Drug Therapy” (“Doctors Inc.” series, front page, March 6) noted, decades of research have shown that psychotherapy, now eschewed for financial reasons by many practicing psychiatrists, is often as effective as psychotropic drugs — if not more so, as in the treatment for depression. 

There is something inherently wrong with a health care system that allows a practitioner to earn more for three 15-minute prescription-writing sessions than for a 45-minute therapy session that teaches patients lifelong coping skills and has no adverse physical side effects. 

What is of great concern with the current treatment situation, driven in large measure by the pharmaceutical and health insurance industries, is the diminished quality of care provided to patients. While many of the new psychotropic drugs have proved effective, taking a pill is not always the answer to a mental health problem..."(read more of Dr. Anderson's comments here).

This is exactly why I think we are seeing an increase in referrals at Grace and Truth.  More and more people realize two things:

1. Pills don't solve problems, though they can be an essential part of recovery from disabling and painful mental and emotional disorders.

2. Skillful talking about painful and challenging issues, relationships and circumstances that can lead to miraculous resolution is priceless.  As one client said, "Can I afford it? I can't afford not to. It's my life, and I have to get it back on track!"

As Dr. Anderson said above, decades of research have shown that psychotherapy is as effective if not more effective than psychotropic drugs in the treatment of clinical depression (the most common emotional disorder that affects upwards of 40% of Americans at some point in their life).  The point we'd like to make to the potential counseling client is this: Great treatment for mental, emotional and relationship problems is out there.  Don't be deluded by the push for medication solutions.  Sometimes it is indicated and necessary, but it is rarely the sole solution, even if insurance companies have decided that it is the most expedient and cost effective (if only partial and short-term) solution.

Remember Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)? Soma was the drug given to the masses to make them happy, dull their senses, and to solve angst about anything from their personal life circumstances to concerns about the political situation.  We're not far away from that scenario when insurance companies push doctors to push pills. 

Will you need medication as part of your treatment plan for the problems that bring you to Grace and Truth?  Maybe.  But let's talk about it and other potential solutions before you choose.

Blessings,

Jeffrey J. Williams
Professional Clinical Counselor - Supervising Counselor
Ohio License #E-3098