"If I knew how to solve these problems, I wouldn't be here!" My client was aggravated, but they'd misunderstood my question, which was, "What have you thought about doing to solve this?" I understood their frustration, and was sorry that I'd contributed to it, but still, I always want to work collaboratively with counseling clients. As I see it, I'm their servant with expertise to diagnose and suggest a treatment plan according to proven best practices that research has demonstrated to be effective. Still, a collaborative approach empowers them to actively participate in the process instead of passively awaiting direction.
True, counselors have expert knowledge and experience in mental and emotional disorders, complex marital and family situations, addictions, etc., but still the client has to live with the results of their choices. Thus, the ethic under informed consent is always that they have the right to refuse any recommendation from the counselor, and/or to terminate services at any point. The way I make this arrangement with clients is to generate solutions together. Sure, I offer ideas based on research and experience, but ultimately what they choose to do is up to them.
Here is an efficient brain-storming and evaluation process to develop and select solutions:
1. Could's (could do's) What could you do to work toward a solution? What ideas have you thought of? What have you considered? If I have some ideas would you like to hear them?
The task in step #1 is to generate as many ideas as possible. This is green-light brainstorming. Everything is on the table. No idea is too ridiculous to mention. Often an idea that isn't realistic gives birth to an idea that will work.
2. Wants (want to's) - The second step is to evaluate the list of could's. Which ones do you like, and why? What do you like about them? Which one's do you not like? What are the advantages or disadvantages to each one? What are obstacles or barriers? Which would you like to try? Which do you think have the best chance of being helpful?
The idea with #2 is to check in with your heart and mind. Which ones are you motivated to try, and which ones do you think will work? Scratch the options from #1 that don't make the cut.
3. Will's (will do's)- Now that the list of possible solutions has been shortened, it's time to make a decision about what you will do. Which of the want to's do you want to do?
The premise of this last step is that people are more likely to do what they want to do than what you tell them to do. However, different than coaching, in counseling there are some choices that a client makes that are a deal-breaker for the counseling relationship; such as repeated no-show's, delinquency with fees, AND the Big One, not coming for appointments per the frequency recommended per the assessment of the acuity of their problems. Just as in medicine, if a client doesn't comply with a minimum treatment format (prescribed frequency of sessions), the counselor can't be responsible for their welfare.
Okay, back to the commitment phase for solutions. What will you do? What will you commit to doing? An action-step toward solution of problems isn't legitimate until a client specifies the date and time they are going to do the step. In counseling these can include talking with a spouse about the truth in a situation, making an appointment with their doctor to be evaluated for medication, setting a limit or boundary with a child or extended family member, journaling about a traumatic experience, etc.
In summary, effective solutions to problems can be efficiently generated through three steps. Consider what you could do, evaluate this list according to your desire, "Which of these do you want to do?", and finally, which one's will you commit to doing?
FYI, this post was a result of such a process. "I could write a blog to educate current and potential clients about an effective problem-solving process. I want to do that because I want it to be in writing so that I can reference it and make it a hand-out. I'm going to do it this morning while the idea is fresh." Voila, done in 30 minutes!
Continuing the journey in His Grace and by His Truth,
Jeff Williams
Professional Clinical Counselor
State of Ohio, License #E-3098
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Change Takes Time (and requires investment)
Pain motivates people, but only for a short time. When in distress, people will do about anything you ask if they think you can help them to alleviate their discomfort.
"Could you come for an appointment at ________?" Client, "Sure, whenever you say. Nothing is more important than this right now." But, get a few weeks down the road, and scheduling becomes a challenge. "Things are just so busy right now. I'll have to wait a few weeks before scheduling my next appointment."
Social Psychology has proven that we humans are creatures of habit, and that the inertia of our psyche is to keep doing the same things and thinking the same ways, even if they are unhealthy. We need look no further than to those who live in codependent relationships or repeatedly subject themselves to spousal abuse (domestic violence) to illustrate this sad truth.
At Grace and Truth we proclaim the truth that with God all things are possible, but they might not come easily. We say this to our clients like this, "The good news is that (your marriage can be saved/you can learn healthier ways to relate to your spouse/children, you can learn to live sober and clean, your depression/anxiety can be alleviated...BUT the bad news is that it is going to take time and require significant effort on your part."
After a few years of taking calls from potential clients in crisis, I usually have a pretty good idea which ones will follow through with time, effort and financial investment in a counseling or coaching process designed to help them live more pleasurably and productively. They are the ones that lead with statements like this, "We know that things didn't get this way overnight, and we don't expect them to get better overnight. We're prepared to invest in this process as long as it takes, because we can't go on living like this any longer." They lead with a description of their difficulties, ask if I'm experienced in helping with such issues, and treat the opportunity to be helped as a privilege.
Those that aren't apt to follow through lead with statements about how difficult it will be to say no to their current schedule of activities (the kids have this and that, I'm a volunteer here or there), and disclosure that they are shopping for the most cost effective option.
I'll close with an observation by Hugh Hewitt,from his book, "In But Not Of: A Guide to Christian Ambition". (paraphrase) "I know of a retired officer (a Colonel) in the French Army. He wanted to be a General, and could have been, but I guarantee you that if you take a look at his career, there was a time when he was faced with the choice to pay the price to become a General, and he said no. It's not enough to say that you want to accomplish something, you must also be willing to pay the price."
Sustainable motivation is a function of clear vision about what can be, sober understanding that realizing our goals and dreams will be costly, and sustained effort in the process.
What do you want? And, are you willing to pay the price?
"Could you come for an appointment at ________?" Client, "Sure, whenever you say. Nothing is more important than this right now." But, get a few weeks down the road, and scheduling becomes a challenge. "Things are just so busy right now. I'll have to wait a few weeks before scheduling my next appointment."
Social Psychology has proven that we humans are creatures of habit, and that the inertia of our psyche is to keep doing the same things and thinking the same ways, even if they are unhealthy. We need look no further than to those who live in codependent relationships or repeatedly subject themselves to spousal abuse (domestic violence) to illustrate this sad truth.
At Grace and Truth we proclaim the truth that with God all things are possible, but they might not come easily. We say this to our clients like this, "The good news is that (your marriage can be saved/you can learn healthier ways to relate to your spouse/children, you can learn to live sober and clean, your depression/anxiety can be alleviated...BUT the bad news is that it is going to take time and require significant effort on your part."
After a few years of taking calls from potential clients in crisis, I usually have a pretty good idea which ones will follow through with time, effort and financial investment in a counseling or coaching process designed to help them live more pleasurably and productively. They are the ones that lead with statements like this, "We know that things didn't get this way overnight, and we don't expect them to get better overnight. We're prepared to invest in this process as long as it takes, because we can't go on living like this any longer." They lead with a description of their difficulties, ask if I'm experienced in helping with such issues, and treat the opportunity to be helped as a privilege.
Those that aren't apt to follow through lead with statements about how difficult it will be to say no to their current schedule of activities (the kids have this and that, I'm a volunteer here or there), and disclosure that they are shopping for the most cost effective option.
I'll close with an observation by Hugh Hewitt,from his book, "In But Not Of: A Guide to Christian Ambition". (paraphrase) "I know of a retired officer (a Colonel) in the French Army. He wanted to be a General, and could have been, but I guarantee you that if you take a look at his career, there was a time when he was faced with the choice to pay the price to become a General, and he said no. It's not enough to say that you want to accomplish something, you must also be willing to pay the price."
Sustainable motivation is a function of clear vision about what can be, sober understanding that realizing our goals and dreams will be costly, and sustained effort in the process.
What do you want? And, are you willing to pay the price?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Understanding, Insight and Ownership: Three Keys to Managing Mental and Emotional IIllnesses
"How can I support my friend with a mental illness?"
It's a great question, and one I get often from pastors, spouses, and friends of my clients who come to appointments to support their loved ones.
1. Ask them. Ask how you can be helpful. Answers are likely to range from "I don't know", to very specific requests, "Keep being my friend", "Check with me if I'm keeping my appointments, exercising, eating well, taking my medication, etc." Remember, just because a person is struggling with a mental or emotional disorder doesn't mean that they are incompetent or irresponsible. Treat them with respect and allow them dignity by asking them how you can be helpful.
2. Learn about the illness or disorder. There is plenty of information available on most conditions on the internet. Search the term and read up from reputable sources. Information is power. Check out what you learn with the person who has the condition. Ask them to teach you about it. This is also a great way to evaluate the extent to which they have accepted responsibility to care for themselves. Clients who learn everything they can about their illness, and act on recommendations to manage it are very different than those in denial or unwilling to take good care of themselves.
3. Plan for worst case scenarios. What if your loved one has a condition that is prone to relapse after periods of remission? Have a discussion with them while they are rational and responsible. Well-known Family Coach, Dr. Gary Rosberg publicly tells the story how his good friend Steve Farrar flew across the country to drag Gary out of his bedroom when he relapsed into severe depression. "That's what a good friend will do" Gary said. "I'd told Steve to come after me if ever I refused his calls, and my wife confirmed her concern for me. The first night he arrived, I refused to see him and told him to go home. He stayed through the night and confronted me the next morning. It meant everything that someone cared enough to come after me when I was in a bad place, and even was impolite to them."*
In my experience, those that do best in recovery from mental and emotional disorders understand the nature and severity of their illness and how to manage it, have insight into the effect of the disorder on their loved ones, and take ownership over their illness to do everything in their power to manage it.
Persons who have a disorder but don't take responsibility to learn about it, who don't take responsibility to manage it, and don't consider how it affects their loved ones unnecessarily extend the effects of their condition onto others. And, through their irresponsibility they ask for others to take responsibility. For instance, if it is critical for a person with Bipolar Disorder to take their medication on a regular basis to maintain a stable mood and rational behavior, whose responsibility is it to remember to take the medication? Ideally, a person with such a disorder will take the same level of responsibility that a person with diabetes takes to measure their blood sugar and to inject proper doses of insulin.
How can you help your loved one? Begin by asking how you can help. Educate yourself about the illness, and collaborate on a plan of action if a disabling relapse occurs.
And remember, keep giving the grace to try again, and truth spoken in love to help them be successful!
blessings, Jeff
*Personal conversation with Dr. Rosberg, July 2006
It's a great question, and one I get often from pastors, spouses, and friends of my clients who come to appointments to support their loved ones.
1. Ask them. Ask how you can be helpful. Answers are likely to range from "I don't know", to very specific requests, "Keep being my friend", "Check with me if I'm keeping my appointments, exercising, eating well, taking my medication, etc." Remember, just because a person is struggling with a mental or emotional disorder doesn't mean that they are incompetent or irresponsible. Treat them with respect and allow them dignity by asking them how you can be helpful.
2. Learn about the illness or disorder. There is plenty of information available on most conditions on the internet. Search the term and read up from reputable sources. Information is power. Check out what you learn with the person who has the condition. Ask them to teach you about it. This is also a great way to evaluate the extent to which they have accepted responsibility to care for themselves. Clients who learn everything they can about their illness, and act on recommendations to manage it are very different than those in denial or unwilling to take good care of themselves.
3. Plan for worst case scenarios. What if your loved one has a condition that is prone to relapse after periods of remission? Have a discussion with them while they are rational and responsible. Well-known Family Coach, Dr. Gary Rosberg publicly tells the story how his good friend Steve Farrar flew across the country to drag Gary out of his bedroom when he relapsed into severe depression. "That's what a good friend will do" Gary said. "I'd told Steve to come after me if ever I refused his calls, and my wife confirmed her concern for me. The first night he arrived, I refused to see him and told him to go home. He stayed through the night and confronted me the next morning. It meant everything that someone cared enough to come after me when I was in a bad place, and even was impolite to them."*
In my experience, those that do best in recovery from mental and emotional disorders understand the nature and severity of their illness and how to manage it, have insight into the effect of the disorder on their loved ones, and take ownership over their illness to do everything in their power to manage it.
Persons who have a disorder but don't take responsibility to learn about it, who don't take responsibility to manage it, and don't consider how it affects their loved ones unnecessarily extend the effects of their condition onto others. And, through their irresponsibility they ask for others to take responsibility. For instance, if it is critical for a person with Bipolar Disorder to take their medication on a regular basis to maintain a stable mood and rational behavior, whose responsibility is it to remember to take the medication? Ideally, a person with such a disorder will take the same level of responsibility that a person with diabetes takes to measure their blood sugar and to inject proper doses of insulin.
How can you help your loved one? Begin by asking how you can help. Educate yourself about the illness, and collaborate on a plan of action if a disabling relapse occurs.
And remember, keep giving the grace to try again, and truth spoken in love to help them be successful!
blessings, Jeff
*Personal conversation with Dr. Rosberg, July 2006
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Perseverance - The Way the Turtle Walked
He's trying to earn trust. She's watching skeptically after years of deception. He wants to save their marriage. She's not sure her heart can take the possibility of more disappointment. He's being diligent in counseling and working a "program"* She's mildly hopeful, but still wary. "It's going to take time to regain my trust", she said.
Suddenly this phrase popped into my mind, "The way the turtle walked." I tried it out with the couple and it made sense.
The turtle (tortoise) in Aesop's fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" ran the race very slowly. He went as fast as he could, which was pretty slow, but he never stopped. Step by step he plodded toward the finish. And you know the rest of the story...he finished before the hare. Why? Because the impetuous and undisciplined rabbit ran the race in fits and starts. He went lickety-split one moment and collapsed in exhaustion the next.
When I see a new client for counseling I always wonder if they are going to be more like the tortoise or the hare, especially if they come in crisis...and many come in crisis. "Will they persist in doing all that they need to do, over time, to grow, to heal, to resolve their relational discord?" I wonder.
Often, clients muster the courage to ask an important question at the end of their first or second appointment. "Is there any hope for me (i.e., my marriage, my future, etc.)?" The question is akin to asking a medical doctor, "Am I going to live?"
My answer is nearly always the same, and I mean it because I've seen miracles.
ABSOLUTELY, BECAUSE GOD'S WAY WORKS, AND PERSEVERANCE WINS THE RACE!
"Do this God's way, and persist in doing all that you need to, and you will be surprised by the outcome."
In the natural, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. People will generally tend to continue doing what they have always done. Habits of thinking and ways of relating and getting needs met are hard to break, but break the must, and be replaced by new habits in order to improve quality of life and relationships when they are broken.
But for the person willing to walk in faith, who will dare to envision and believe for what is not yet reality, what they cannot see (Hebrews 11:1), the impossible is possible. This is the x-factor for the Christ-follower who wants to develop new and healthier ways of thinking and relating. And, it's my privilege as a Christian Counselor to believe in faith for the possibility of such outcomes.
Can you be well? Can your marriage be saved? Can your family relationships be restored? YES! If you will believe in faith for such outcome and then pay due diligence over time, just like the tortoise who persevered!
God's way works, and perseverance wins the race!
Jeff and Jill Williams
Co-founders, Grace and Truth Counseling and Coaching
www.graceandtruthrelationship.com
*Program refers to recovery from addiction. Today, many addictions have been defined. Recovery usually involves participation in some form of a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate recovery, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.
Suddenly this phrase popped into my mind, "The way the turtle walked." I tried it out with the couple and it made sense.
The turtle (tortoise) in Aesop's fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" ran the race very slowly. He went as fast as he could, which was pretty slow, but he never stopped. Step by step he plodded toward the finish. And you know the rest of the story...he finished before the hare. Why? Because the impetuous and undisciplined rabbit ran the race in fits and starts. He went lickety-split one moment and collapsed in exhaustion the next.
When I see a new client for counseling I always wonder if they are going to be more like the tortoise or the hare, especially if they come in crisis...and many come in crisis. "Will they persist in doing all that they need to do, over time, to grow, to heal, to resolve their relational discord?" I wonder.
Often, clients muster the courage to ask an important question at the end of their first or second appointment. "Is there any hope for me (i.e., my marriage, my future, etc.)?" The question is akin to asking a medical doctor, "Am I going to live?"
My answer is nearly always the same, and I mean it because I've seen miracles.
ABSOLUTELY, BECAUSE GOD'S WAY WORKS, AND PERSEVERANCE WINS THE RACE!
"Do this God's way, and persist in doing all that you need to, and you will be surprised by the outcome."
In the natural, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. People will generally tend to continue doing what they have always done. Habits of thinking and ways of relating and getting needs met are hard to break, but break the must, and be replaced by new habits in order to improve quality of life and relationships when they are broken.
But for the person willing to walk in faith, who will dare to envision and believe for what is not yet reality, what they cannot see (Hebrews 11:1), the impossible is possible. This is the x-factor for the Christ-follower who wants to develop new and healthier ways of thinking and relating. And, it's my privilege as a Christian Counselor to believe in faith for the possibility of such outcomes.
Can you be well? Can your marriage be saved? Can your family relationships be restored? YES! If you will believe in faith for such outcome and then pay due diligence over time, just like the tortoise who persevered!
God's way works, and perseverance wins the race!
Jeff and Jill Williams
Co-founders, Grace and Truth Counseling and Coaching
www.graceandtruthrelationship.com
*Program refers to recovery from addiction. Today, many addictions have been defined. Recovery usually involves participation in some form of a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate recovery, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Recovering Me: The Process of Restoring Your Life
One of the saddest situations I've ever witnessed during my career as a Professional Clinical Counselor was in an hospital emergency room. The patient was unkempt, bandaged and alone. His wrists were bandaged due to self-inflicted wounds. His "suicide attempt" wasn't lethal, but it was a cry for help and attention. After being debriefed by the ER physician about this gentleman's repeated visits to the hospital I called his parents to ask them to come to take him home.
"We're done with him", they said. "He's done this so many times, and we've given so much. We actually consider him dead. I'm sorry. We're not willing to do anything."
Ummm....beyond hope, beyond help?
Initially I was angry with the parents. "How could they?" But then I realized that this man was the proverbial 'boy who cried wolf' or the 'prodigal's son'. Time after time he'd been offered the best in life (His family said so), but he'd lied, stolen, and otherwise squandered the opportunities he'd been offered. Sad.
I left the ER that night wondering what might happen to this man. It seemed that there was no one there for him. I called churches and most shelters were full. The ones that had space said no after hearing his history.
While I'd like to believe that people can have an infinite number of opportunities to "be whole" and to "get well", it simply isn't true. After a person defiles and degrades themselves enough times, it becomes nearly impossible for them to crawl out of the garbage dump they've created. Addictions, abuse, lies, broken relationships...at any point the harder decision to live clean in healthier relationships and with integrity could be made...but none of us can make such decision for another. We can only invite, suggest, support, hope and pray.
The reality is that each of us has "own life responsibility"; we are responsible for our own lives. And, there is a point at which we, and no one else, must shoulder at least a portion of the burden by ourselves. We must be the one to say yes to the counseling appointment, the recovery group, the friendship that is offered by a caring friend, or the supportive love of a family member.
Jesus asked several if they wanted to be well. When they said yes, He gave instruction, "Stand up". Notice that He didn't lift them to their feet against their will. He won't do that, and neither should we.
People helpers can become frustrated and tempted to compromise healthy boundaries when those they are trying to help don't cooperate with their efforts. The rule of thumb is to never work harder than the one who says they want help. That doesn't mean that we won't work hard. We will. But we mustn't work harder than the one who "owns" the problem; the desire to recover their life.
I like to give responsibility to my clients for their recovery and healing process. This puts responsibility where it belongs, builds their self-esteem, and ultimately strengthens them as a better leader of their own life. One practical way to do this is to have a client draft a comprehensive plan for their treatment. "List all of the issues you want to work on and the desired outcome. Include all of the people that you would like to involve to support and encourage you and the services that you know of that could be helpful." This isn't abdication of responsibility by the professional, but rather appropriate challenge to the client to dig deep for the resources and opportunities of which they are aware. Then, I collaborate with them to form a plan that we both think will work and that they are excited to pursue.
It is possible to recover from the depths of despair and to be free from psychological trauma, emotional entanglements, and debilitating symptoms of emotional and mental disorders. Is the process easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
Working as hard as you will,
Jeff
"We're done with him", they said. "He's done this so many times, and we've given so much. We actually consider him dead. I'm sorry. We're not willing to do anything."
Ummm....beyond hope, beyond help?
Initially I was angry with the parents. "How could they?" But then I realized that this man was the proverbial 'boy who cried wolf' or the 'prodigal's son'. Time after time he'd been offered the best in life (His family said so), but he'd lied, stolen, and otherwise squandered the opportunities he'd been offered. Sad.
I left the ER that night wondering what might happen to this man. It seemed that there was no one there for him. I called churches and most shelters were full. The ones that had space said no after hearing his history.
While I'd like to believe that people can have an infinite number of opportunities to "be whole" and to "get well", it simply isn't true. After a person defiles and degrades themselves enough times, it becomes nearly impossible for them to crawl out of the garbage dump they've created. Addictions, abuse, lies, broken relationships...at any point the harder decision to live clean in healthier relationships and with integrity could be made...but none of us can make such decision for another. We can only invite, suggest, support, hope and pray.
The reality is that each of us has "own life responsibility"; we are responsible for our own lives. And, there is a point at which we, and no one else, must shoulder at least a portion of the burden by ourselves. We must be the one to say yes to the counseling appointment, the recovery group, the friendship that is offered by a caring friend, or the supportive love of a family member.
Jesus asked several if they wanted to be well. When they said yes, He gave instruction, "Stand up". Notice that He didn't lift them to their feet against their will. He won't do that, and neither should we.
People helpers can become frustrated and tempted to compromise healthy boundaries when those they are trying to help don't cooperate with their efforts. The rule of thumb is to never work harder than the one who says they want help. That doesn't mean that we won't work hard. We will. But we mustn't work harder than the one who "owns" the problem; the desire to recover their life.
I like to give responsibility to my clients for their recovery and healing process. This puts responsibility where it belongs, builds their self-esteem, and ultimately strengthens them as a better leader of their own life. One practical way to do this is to have a client draft a comprehensive plan for their treatment. "List all of the issues you want to work on and the desired outcome. Include all of the people that you would like to involve to support and encourage you and the services that you know of that could be helpful." This isn't abdication of responsibility by the professional, but rather appropriate challenge to the client to dig deep for the resources and opportunities of which they are aware. Then, I collaborate with them to form a plan that we both think will work and that they are excited to pursue.
It is possible to recover from the depths of despair and to be free from psychological trauma, emotional entanglements, and debilitating symptoms of emotional and mental disorders. Is the process easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
Working as hard as you will,
Jeff
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
How to Handle Relational Hit and Runs
“Hey Coach, do you have a minute? I have a few questions about the game?” I stopped walking toward the bus with my football team, and turned to prepare to honor the gentleman’s request. My Vice-Principal knew better. “Keep walking Jeff. This won’t be good.” Because I was confused by his counsel to refuse the conversation, and because I was trained to respond politely to requests, I turned to the man to indicate my willingness to hear his questions. “Sure, what’s on your mind?” This angry heckler proceeded to ask rhetorical questions to make several points of disagreement about how I’d handled the game. After a few failed attempts to respond (the heckler didn’t play fair by giving me an opportunity to be heard), the Vice-Principal put his hand in my back to move me away, and said, “I told you. He doesn’t want to have a conversation. He only wants to take his anger out on you.”
Coaching that Jr. High football team between 1992-95 was an eye-opener. Looking back, I was naïve about some things. When people asked to converse I assumed they came with good-will. But that experience as well as some others has provided reason for caution.
Have you had the experience of having your words taken out of context, being unfairly accused or receiving a verbal or written account of the way things really are and then being blocked from responding? That’s what I’m calling a Relational Hit and Run; when someone makes their point but then leaves the scene by refusing dialogue to clarify and resolve the disagreement. It’s anything but healthy, but it can be handled well. Wisdom and self-control are two of the key components in deciding how to respond.
Such an incident happened to me again recently. The offender fired their salvos in writing and concluded, “Do not contact me.” Jill was privy to it, and it infuriated her. “Are you going to tell _____” she asked. “No, I’m not going to respond at all. What’s there to say? And why add more fuel to the fire. I could have the best intentions and still things are probably going to be twisted and thrown back at me. I know what’s been in my heart, and what I’ve done."
It takes two to make a relationship work. That’s obvious, eh? But what isn’t as clear is how often and how long to reach out to do your part. It’s like handshake. How long do you leave your hand dangling in thin air to await the other person’s grasp? You can do your part to reach out, but if they don’t reciprocate, there’s no connection.
Unjust accusations, refusals to engage conversation, absence of openness to clarification; they are all indications of an absence of good-will, and killers of relationships. How sad. It doesn’t have to be this way. Give and take, speak and listen, struggle through misunderstandings…when both parties are willing. When one is and the other isn’t willing is an untenable situation.
Consider Jesus. Thankfully He provides a stellar example in such circumstances. Remember, he was a man familiar acquainted with suffering, even relational suffering. How he handled accusations and maltreatment gave us a great template for responding to hit runs in relationships.
I Peter 2:23 (NIV) - When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
Have you been hit recently? Did the hitter run from the scene? Are you left to recover after the assault, without clear recourse to further engage the relationship in a helpful way? Keep your eyes open. Don’t become hardened by the offense. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and God may give you an effective way to engage the person who left the scene. In the meantime, my counsel is to ask God to set a guard on your lips and to respond like Jesus who did not retaliate and who made no threats. Rather, entrust yourself to Him who judges justly.
Coaching that Jr. High football team between 1992-95 was an eye-opener. Looking back, I was naïve about some things. When people asked to converse I assumed they came with good-will. But that experience as well as some others has provided reason for caution.
Have you had the experience of having your words taken out of context, being unfairly accused or receiving a verbal or written account of the way things really are and then being blocked from responding? That’s what I’m calling a Relational Hit and Run; when someone makes their point but then leaves the scene by refusing dialogue to clarify and resolve the disagreement. It’s anything but healthy, but it can be handled well. Wisdom and self-control are two of the key components in deciding how to respond.
Such an incident happened to me again recently. The offender fired their salvos in writing and concluded, “Do not contact me.” Jill was privy to it, and it infuriated her. “Are you going to tell _____” she asked. “No, I’m not going to respond at all. What’s there to say? And why add more fuel to the fire. I could have the best intentions and still things are probably going to be twisted and thrown back at me. I know what’s been in my heart, and what I’ve done."
It takes two to make a relationship work. That’s obvious, eh? But what isn’t as clear is how often and how long to reach out to do your part. It’s like handshake. How long do you leave your hand dangling in thin air to await the other person’s grasp? You can do your part to reach out, but if they don’t reciprocate, there’s no connection.
Unjust accusations, refusals to engage conversation, absence of openness to clarification; they are all indications of an absence of good-will, and killers of relationships. How sad. It doesn’t have to be this way. Give and take, speak and listen, struggle through misunderstandings…when both parties are willing. When one is and the other isn’t willing is an untenable situation.
Consider Jesus. Thankfully He provides a stellar example in such circumstances. Remember, he was a man familiar acquainted with suffering, even relational suffering. How he handled accusations and maltreatment gave us a great template for responding to hit runs in relationships.
I Peter 2:23 (NIV) - When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.
Have you been hit recently? Did the hitter run from the scene? Are you left to recover after the assault, without clear recourse to further engage the relationship in a helpful way? Keep your eyes open. Don’t become hardened by the offense. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and God may give you an effective way to engage the person who left the scene. In the meantime, my counsel is to ask God to set a guard on your lips and to respond like Jesus who did not retaliate and who made no threats. Rather, entrust yourself to Him who judges justly.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Three Types of Counseling Clients: Customers, Complainants and Visitors
Not everyone who comes for counseling wants help for themselves. Some come to complain about others, and some come to satisfy the mandate of their spouse, employer or the court. Job #1 for the counselor is to determine which type of client is in their office.
Customers really want help. They're motivated to grow and change or to figure out a solution for a complicated situation because they are in emotional and/or physical distress. They are experiencing uncomfortable symptoms that might indicate an emotional or mental disorder, grief or some type of transition. They WANT help, and they are willing to do almost anything the counselor recommends to alleviate their distress or to make progress through a relational or vocational dilemma. We counselors love to serve this type of client. Why? They cooperate with our purpose, which is to help people. Unfortunately, other types are not as easy.
Complainants come to counseling appointments to inform the counselor of all the bad things that their spouse, child or employer has done. "It's about time they get some help" is their not so subtle pronouncement when they enter the office. The point is usually lost on them that they might be part of the problem, either in the way that they are responding to their loved one (who isn't feeling their love), or because they actually precipitated the circumstance by some injurious attitude, words or behavior. The task of the counselor with complainants is to facilitate their catharsis with good-will and respect, while praying and waiting for them to indict themselves as part of the "identified client's" problems, or they invite the counselor to opine. "You've heard the way I see things. How do you see things?" Effective listening with sincerity and respect often earns the right to be heard. At that juncture it becomes possible to transition the "complainant" to a "customer" who is willing to work on something to help the "identified client", or to improve the situation.
Visitors are clients that have been mandated to attend counseling. Either their spouse, employer or a good friend has somehow given an ultimatum or leveraged them "to at least try counseling before you ________ (divorce, quit your job, continue your addiction, etc.)." The classic visitor sits mostly silent with arms crossed, daring the "shrink" to "get me to talk". This is where the psychologically trained professional earns the full fee. While a temptation is to refuse to play the game, compassion and discernment usually reveals that the visitor is scared. Why else would they respond to pressure of ultimatum? There must be something they fear worse than counseling, such as loss of relationship, job, or freedom (e.g., counseling in lieu of incarceration). Once that is discovered, it becomes possible to transition the visitor to the posture of a customer. There must be something they want. One of my most effective questions is this, "What's the least amount of change that _____ (the one that mandated counseling) wants to see that would get them off your back?" This makes possible the development of a therapeutic alliance with the visitor. Now you can start working on something together. The clients experiences the counselor as being in their corner. Once the objective they chose is satisfied, it is not uncommon for such clients to identify other objectives. "Hey, you helped me with that. Maybe you can help me with ____." That's pay-dirt in a therapeutic relationship; an invitation to be helpful.
Whether you are making a referral or going for counseling yourself, this taxonomy of clients can be helpful. When making a referral, consider how you see the client. Are they highly motivated and willing to take responsibility? Are they blind to their part of the situation, but willing to attend counseling with a loved one? Or are you having to cash in all your relational equity chips to get them to "go to counseling" or else lose their job or relationship with you? With the training above you can figure out which is which, and provide the receiving counselor with a bit more information that will help them to be effective.
God bless,
Jeff
Customers really want help. They're motivated to grow and change or to figure out a solution for a complicated situation because they are in emotional and/or physical distress. They are experiencing uncomfortable symptoms that might indicate an emotional or mental disorder, grief or some type of transition. They WANT help, and they are willing to do almost anything the counselor recommends to alleviate their distress or to make progress through a relational or vocational dilemma. We counselors love to serve this type of client. Why? They cooperate with our purpose, which is to help people. Unfortunately, other types are not as easy.
Complainants come to counseling appointments to inform the counselor of all the bad things that their spouse, child or employer has done. "It's about time they get some help" is their not so subtle pronouncement when they enter the office. The point is usually lost on them that they might be part of the problem, either in the way that they are responding to their loved one (who isn't feeling their love), or because they actually precipitated the circumstance by some injurious attitude, words or behavior. The task of the counselor with complainants is to facilitate their catharsis with good-will and respect, while praying and waiting for them to indict themselves as part of the "identified client's" problems, or they invite the counselor to opine. "You've heard the way I see things. How do you see things?" Effective listening with sincerity and respect often earns the right to be heard. At that juncture it becomes possible to transition the "complainant" to a "customer" who is willing to work on something to help the "identified client", or to improve the situation.
Visitors are clients that have been mandated to attend counseling. Either their spouse, employer or a good friend has somehow given an ultimatum or leveraged them "to at least try counseling before you ________ (divorce, quit your job, continue your addiction, etc.)." The classic visitor sits mostly silent with arms crossed, daring the "shrink" to "get me to talk". This is where the psychologically trained professional earns the full fee. While a temptation is to refuse to play the game, compassion and discernment usually reveals that the visitor is scared. Why else would they respond to pressure of ultimatum? There must be something they fear worse than counseling, such as loss of relationship, job, or freedom (e.g., counseling in lieu of incarceration). Once that is discovered, it becomes possible to transition the visitor to the posture of a customer. There must be something they want. One of my most effective questions is this, "What's the least amount of change that _____ (the one that mandated counseling) wants to see that would get them off your back?" This makes possible the development of a therapeutic alliance with the visitor. Now you can start working on something together. The clients experiences the counselor as being in their corner. Once the objective they chose is satisfied, it is not uncommon for such clients to identify other objectives. "Hey, you helped me with that. Maybe you can help me with ____." That's pay-dirt in a therapeutic relationship; an invitation to be helpful.
Whether you are making a referral or going for counseling yourself, this taxonomy of clients can be helpful. When making a referral, consider how you see the client. Are they highly motivated and willing to take responsibility? Are they blind to their part of the situation, but willing to attend counseling with a loved one? Or are you having to cash in all your relational equity chips to get them to "go to counseling" or else lose their job or relationship with you? With the training above you can figure out which is which, and provide the receiving counselor with a bit more information that will help them to be effective.
God bless,
Jeff
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