How to Handle the Holidays (before they handle you!)

If the holidays go as well as possible, what will you be able to celebrate after they’re over?  In other words, what are you hoping for, and what (or who) do you hope to avoid?

Holidays seasons are usually mixed experiences for most of us.  We have wishes, hopes and dreams about how they will go, and what we will do.  Some desires end up being fulfilled but some aren’t.  Proactive planning can increase the probability of getting what we want. 

Our suggestion for Happy and fulfilling holidays is to specify desires.  You can do this individually and as a family.  Ask yourself, “What do I want?”  This is a relatively simple, yet powerful exercise. Try it now.  See how many bullet points you can come up with.

For example:

Jeff: What do you want for the Christmas Season, Jill?

Jill: I’d like to have an open house for friends and family before schedules get too crazy.

Jeff: What else would you like?

Jill: I’d like to plan an evening we could take Gabby (granddaughter) to the Clifton Mill to see the lights, and have hot chocolate by the waterfalls

Jeff: What else would you like?

You get the idea.  You keep asking your spouse and other family members what they would like.  Pretty soon, you have a great list of everyone’s desires.  Now you can begin to discuss and negotiate how to make these a reality.

This same exercise can be done to identify what you don’t want or what you would like less of.

Jeff: What do you not want for the Christmas Season?

Jill: I don’t want to be so busy that we don’t have time to enjoy it.

Jeff: What else do you not want?

Jill: I don’t want to get exhausted shopping.  I want to be strategic about the times and places I go, and get shopping done early in the season.

Sometimes emotional topics surface, such as strained or difficult relationships with people you’ll see at holiday celebrations.  A great question to ask yourself or each other is “If your interactions with _____ go as well as possible, what would you like to be able to say afterwards about how you did your part to be pleasant.”

Once desires have been shared and discussed, the next step is to brainstorm action-steps to accomplish them.  This can be done efficiently by coming up with and evaluating options.

Could's (could do's) What could you do? What ideas have you thought of? What have you considered? Try to list 5 options for each desire that you would like to become reality.

The task in step #1 is to generate as many ideas as possible. This is green-light brainstorming. Everything is on the table. No idea is too ridiculous to mention. Often an idea that isn't realistic gives birth to an idea that will work.

Wants (want to's) - The second step is to evaluate the list of options from step #1.  . Which ones do you like, and why? What do you like about them? Which do you not like? What are the advantages or disadvantages to each one? What are obstacles or barriers? Which would you like to try? Which do you think have the best chance of being helpful?

The idea with #2 is to check in with your heart and mind. Which ones are you motivated to try, and which ones do you think will work? Scratch the options from #1 that don't make the cut.

Will's (will do's)- Now that the list of possible solutions has been shortened, it's time to make a decision about what you will do. Which of the possible action-steps/solutions do you want to do?

The best way to handle the holidays is to get out in front of them by thinking about what would like and what you would like to avoid; forethought in other words.  The simple questions suggested above surface desires and the brainstorming process leads to potential strategies, solutions and action-steps.  This is the essence of the coaching process for any life circumstance.  Begin with the end in mind by thinking about the ideal outcome, then explore your thoughts, feelings and desires around that outcome.  Finally, brainstorm possible action-steps to make your desires a reality.

We hope this helps!

Happy Holidays, Jeff and Jill Williams

How to Make the Most of Counseling

It's a big decision to get some counseling. Usually, by the time a client makes the first call, they've thought a lot about how to solve problems and conflicts, and find themselves at a loss for ideas about how to make things better. It's not uncommon to hear strong emotion and tears on the phone. The first step toward relief is to schedule an appointment, but lasting relief comes through an ongoing commitment to the process.

It's one thing to get relief by making a call, taking a step to "get some help", and something quite different to commit to a series of appointments that will help to secure lasting relief and solutions.

Here are some tips to make the most of counseling:

1. Come to your first appointment prepared

• Review information and consent documents sent by email
• Bring notes/journal about what you want from counseling
• What would you like to be different by the time counseling ends?

2. Expect to invest time and finances in 4-6 sessions for the first 6 weeks

• It takes time for a counselor to "get on board" with you.  We need a lot of information to accurately conceptualize what is happening and why.  Then we can diagnose and recommend a treatment plan.
• The issues that led you to seek counseling probably didn't develop overnight.  Give yourself (and your counselor) time to begin unraveling the complexities of your circumstances.

3. Do homework between sessions to extend the value of therapy

• Growth and change from counseling doesn't just happen in the counselor's office; it happens any time a client(s) intentionally think, write and talk about their issues between sessions.
• Some counselors welcome correspondence between sessions
• Send journal entries, copies of therapeutic letters, etc.
• Grace and Truth policy is to read everything a client send, and to respond as possible to questions and concerns that arise between sessions.  Generally this is value-added service, and not billable time (note: privacy of electronic correspondence isn't guaranteed; clients send such communications with this understanding; it is an option, not a requirement.)

4. Be direct with your counselor about what is helpful and what isn't.

• Remember that a counselor is your servant.  You are compensating them for their time and expertise.  Don't be afraid to give feedback about the effectiveness of the process
• Good counselors ask for feedback on a regular basis.  It is part of our ethic to measure progress, and it is unethical to continue a counseling relationship if progress isn't being made.
• Here are some of the questions I regularly ask, "Has this been helpful? Are you getting what you hoped for? What would you like more or less from me?"

5. Expect to take a break from counseling at some point

• The duration of counseling varies from weeks to months (rarely does it take place weekly for years on end).
• Growth and change takes place in cycles.  Expect to take a break after resolving your presenting problems, and/or reaching a plateau en route to your end goal(s)
• Most counselors welcome breaks, and return to counseling at some point of felt need in the future.

6. Don't be afraid to ask to transition to a coach approach to goals once pain and problems are resolved.

• The relationship you have with a dually trained provider and the history you have together can provide a comfortable foundation for continuing work together on life goals (personal and professional).
• At Grace and Truth, we sometimes begin with counseling, and end up with coaching.
• Remember, counseling is generally about problems and pain, and coaching about goals, growth and change

Summary
Ultimately, counseling works if you work it.  To get the most from it requires significant investment of time and energy beyond scheduled counseling appointments.  It also requires commitment on the part of counselor and client to learn to work together in the most helpful way.  This happens best through honest exchanges about what is working and what isn't, with willingness to adjust on the part of the counselor and client.

Hopefully this will help you to make the most of counseling when you make the big decision to ask for some help.

Blessings,

Jeff Williams 
Professional Clinical Counselor
State of Ohio License E-#3098

Could's, Want's and Will's: Three Steps to Creative Solutions for Complex Problems

"If I knew how to solve these problems, I wouldn't be here!" My client was aggravated, but they'd misunderstood my question, which was, "What have you thought about doing to solve this?" I understood their frustration, and was sorry that I'd contributed to it, but still, I always want to work collaboratively with counseling clients. As I see it, I'm their servant with expertise to diagnose and suggest a treatment plan according to proven best practices that research has demonstrated to be effective. Still, a collaborative approach empowers them to actively participate in the process instead of passively awaiting direction.

True, counselors have expert knowledge and experience in mental and emotional disorders, complex marital and family situations, addictions, etc., but still the client has to live with the results of their choices. Thus, the ethic under informed consent is always that they have the right to refuse any recommendation from the counselor, and/or to terminate services at any point. The way I make this arrangement with clients is to generate solutions together. Sure, I offer ideas based on research and experience, but ultimately what they choose to do is up to them.

Here is an efficient brain-storming and evaluation process to develop and select solutions:

1. Could's (could do's) What could you do to work toward a solution? What ideas have you thought of? What have you considered? If I have some ideas would you like to hear them?

The task in step #1 is to generate as many ideas as possible. This is green-light brainstorming. Everything is on the table. No idea is too ridiculous to mention. Often an idea that isn't realistic gives birth to an idea that will work.

2. Wants (want to's) - The second step is to evaluate the list of could's. Which ones do you like, and why? What do you like about them? Which one's do you not like? What are the advantages or disadvantages to each one? What are obstacles or barriers? Which would you like to try? Which do you think have the best chance of being helpful?

The idea with #2 is to check in with your heart and mind. Which ones are you motivated to try, and which ones do you think will work? Scratch the options from #1 that don't make the cut.

3. Will's (will do's)- Now that the list of possible solutions has been shortened, it's time to make a decision about what you will do. Which of the want to's do you want to do?

The premise of this last step is that people are more likely to do what they want to do than what you tell them to do. However, different than coaching, in counseling there are some choices that a client makes that are a deal-breaker for the counseling relationship; such as repeated no-show's, delinquency with fees, AND the Big One, not coming for appointments per the frequency recommended per the assessment of the acuity of their problems. Just as in medicine, if a client doesn't comply with a minimum treatment format (prescribed frequency of sessions), the counselor can't be responsible for their welfare.

Okay, back to the commitment phase for solutions. What will you do? What will you commit to doing? An action-step toward solution of problems isn't legitimate until a client specifies the date and time they are going to do the step. In counseling these can include talking with a spouse about the truth in a situation, making an appointment with their doctor to be evaluated for medication, setting a limit or boundary with a child or extended family member, journaling about a traumatic experience, etc.

In summary, effective solutions to problems can be efficiently generated through three steps. Consider what you could do, evaluate this list according to your desire, "Which of these do you want to do?", and finally, which one's will you commit to doing?

FYI, this post was a result of such a process. "I could write a blog to educate current and potential clients about an effective problem-solving process. I want to do that because I want it to be in writing so that I can reference it and make it a hand-out. I'm going to do it this morning while the idea is fresh." Voila, done in 30 minutes!

Continuing the journey in His Grace and by His Truth,

Jeff Williams
Professional Clinical Counselor
State of Ohio, License #E-3098

Change Takes Time (and requires investment)

Pain motivates people, but only for a short time. When in distress, people will do about anything you ask if they think you can help them to alleviate their discomfort.

"Could you come for an appointment at ________?" Client, "Sure, whenever you say. Nothing is more important than this right now." But, get a few weeks down the road, and scheduling becomes a challenge. "Things are just so busy right now. I'll have to wait a few weeks before scheduling my next appointment."

Social Psychology has proven that we humans are creatures of habit, and that the inertia of our psyche is to keep doing the same things and thinking the same ways, even if they are unhealthy. We need look no further than to those who live in codependent relationships or repeatedly subject themselves to spousal abuse (domestic violence) to illustrate this sad truth.

At Grace and Truth we proclaim the truth that with God all things are possible, but they might not come easily. We say this to our clients like this, "The good news is that (your marriage can be saved/you can learn healthier ways to relate to your spouse/children, you can learn to live sober and clean, your depression/anxiety can be alleviated...BUT the bad news is that it is going to take time and require significant effort on your part."

After a few years of taking calls from potential clients in crisis, I usually have a pretty good idea which ones will follow through with time, effort and financial investment in a counseling or coaching process designed to help them live more pleasurably and productively. They are the ones that lead with statements like this, "We know that things didn't get this way overnight, and we don't expect them to get better overnight. We're prepared to invest in this process as long as it takes, because we can't go on living like this any longer." They lead with a description of their difficulties, ask if I'm experienced in helping with such issues, and treat the opportunity to be helped as a privilege.

Those that aren't apt to follow through lead with statements about how difficult it will be to say no to their current schedule of activities (the kids have this and that, I'm a volunteer here or there), and disclosure that they are shopping for the most cost effective option.

I'll close with an observation by Hugh Hewitt,from his book, "In But Not Of: A Guide to Christian Ambition". (paraphrase) "I know of a retired officer (a Colonel) in the French Army. He wanted to be a General, and could have been, but I guarantee you that if you take a look at his career, there was a time when he was faced with the choice to pay the price to become a General, and he said no. It's not enough to say that you want to accomplish something, you must also be willing to pay the price."

Sustainable motivation is a function of clear vision about what can be, sober understanding that realizing our goals and dreams will be costly, and sustained effort in the process.

What do you want? And, are you willing to pay the price?

Understanding, Insight and Ownership: Three Keys to Managing Mental and Emotional IIllnesses

"How can I support my friend with a mental illness?"
It's a great question, and one I get often from pastors, spouses, and friends of my clients who come to appointments to support their loved ones.

1. Ask them. Ask how you can be helpful. Answers are likely to range from "I don't know", to very specific requests, "Keep being my friend", "Check with me if I'm keeping my appointments, exercising, eating well, taking my medication, etc." Remember, just because a person is struggling with a mental or emotional disorder doesn't mean that they are incompetent or irresponsible. Treat them with respect and allow them dignity by asking them how you can be helpful.

2. Learn about the illness or disorder. There is plenty of information available on most conditions on the internet. Search the term and read up from reputable sources. Information is power. Check out what you learn with the person who has the condition. Ask them to teach you about it. This is also a great way to evaluate the extent to which they have accepted responsibility to care for themselves. Clients who learn everything they can about their illness, and act on recommendations to manage it are very different than those in denial or unwilling to take good care of themselves.

3. Plan for worst case scenarios. What if your loved one has a condition that is prone to relapse after periods of remission? Have a discussion with them while they are rational and responsible. Well-known Family Coach, Dr. Gary Rosberg publicly tells the story how his good friend Steve Farrar flew across the country to drag Gary out of his bedroom when he relapsed into severe depression. "That's what a good friend will do" Gary said. "I'd told Steve to come after me if ever I refused his calls, and my wife confirmed her concern for me. The first night he arrived, I refused to see him and told him to go home. He stayed through the night and confronted me the next morning. It meant everything that someone cared enough to come after me when I was in a bad place, and even was impolite to them."*

In my experience, those that do best in recovery from mental and emotional disorders understand the nature and severity of their illness and how to manage it, have insight into the effect of the disorder on their loved ones, and take ownership over their illness to do everything in their power to manage it.

Persons who have a disorder but don't take responsibility to learn about it, who don't take responsibility to manage it, and don't consider how it affects their loved ones unnecessarily extend the effects of their condition onto others. And, through their irresponsibility they ask for others to take responsibility. For instance, if it is critical for a person with Bipolar Disorder to take their medication on a regular basis to maintain a stable mood and rational behavior, whose responsibility is it to remember to take the medication? Ideally, a person with such a disorder will take the same level of responsibility that a person with diabetes takes to measure their blood sugar and to inject proper doses of insulin.

How can you help your loved one? Begin by asking how you can help. Educate yourself about the illness, and collaborate on a plan of action if a disabling relapse occurs.

And remember, keep giving the grace to try again, and truth spoken in love to help them be successful!

blessings, Jeff

*Personal conversation with Dr. Rosberg, July 2006

Perseverance - The Way the Turtle Walked

He's trying to earn trust. She's watching skeptically after years of deception. He wants to save their marriage. She's not sure her heart can take the possibility of more disappointment. He's being diligent in counseling and working a "program"* She's mildly hopeful, but still wary. "It's going to take time to regain my trust", she said.

Suddenly this phrase popped into my mind, "The way the turtle walked." I tried it out with the couple and it made sense.

The turtle (tortoise) in Aesop's fable, "The Tortoise and the Hare" ran the race very slowly. He went as fast as he could, which was pretty slow, but he never stopped. Step by step he plodded toward the finish. And you know the rest of the story...he finished before the hare. Why? Because the impetuous and undisciplined rabbit ran the race in fits and starts. He went lickety-split one moment and collapsed in exhaustion the next.

When I see a new client for counseling I always wonder if they are going to be more like the tortoise or the hare, especially if they come in crisis...and many come in crisis. "Will they persist in doing all that they need to do, over time, to grow, to heal, to resolve their relational discord?" I wonder.

Often, clients muster the courage to ask an important question at the end of their first or second appointment. "Is there any hope for me (i.e., my marriage, my future, etc.)?" The question is akin to asking a medical doctor, "Am I going to live?"

My answer is nearly always the same, and I mean it because I've seen miracles.

ABSOLUTELY, BECAUSE GOD'S WAY WORKS, AND PERSEVERANCE WINS THE RACE!

"Do this God's way, and persist in doing all that you need to, and you will be surprised by the outcome."

In the natural, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. People will generally tend to continue doing what they have always done. Habits of thinking and ways of relating and getting needs met are hard to break, but break the must, and be replaced by new habits in order to improve quality of life and relationships when they are broken.

But for the person willing to walk in faith, who will dare to envision and believe for what is not yet reality, what they cannot see (Hebrews 11:1), the impossible is possible. This is the x-factor for the Christ-follower who wants to develop new and healthier ways of thinking and relating. And, it's my privilege as a Christian Counselor to believe in faith for the possibility of such outcomes.

Can you be well? Can your marriage be saved? Can your family relationships be restored? YES! If you will believe in faith for such outcome and then pay due diligence over time, just like the tortoise who persevered!

God's way works, and perseverance wins the race!

Jeff and Jill Williams
Co-founders, Grace and Truth Counseling and Coaching
www.graceandtruthrelationship.com



*Program refers to recovery from addiction. Today, many addictions have been defined. Recovery usually involves participation in some form of a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate recovery, Overeaters Anonymous, etc.

Recovering Me: The Process of Restoring Your Life

One of the saddest situations I've ever witnessed during my career as a Professional Clinical Counselor was in an hospital emergency room. The patient was unkempt, bandaged and alone. His wrists were bandaged due to self-inflicted wounds. His "suicide attempt" wasn't lethal, but it was a cry for help and attention. After being debriefed by the ER physician about this gentleman's repeated visits to the hospital I called his parents to ask them to come to take him home.

"We're done with him", they said. "He's done this so many times, and we've given so much. We actually consider him dead. I'm sorry. We're not willing to do anything."

Ummm....beyond hope, beyond help?

Initially I was angry with the parents. "How could they?" But then I realized that this man was the proverbial 'boy who cried wolf' or the 'prodigal's son'. Time after time he'd been offered the best in life (His family said so), but he'd lied, stolen, and otherwise squandered the opportunities he'd been offered. Sad.

I left the ER that night wondering what might happen to this man. It seemed that there was no one there for him. I called churches and most shelters were full. The ones that had space said no after hearing his history.

While I'd like to believe that people can have an infinite number of opportunities to "be whole" and to "get well", it simply isn't true. After a person defiles and degrades themselves enough times, it becomes nearly impossible for them to crawl out of the garbage dump they've created. Addictions, abuse, lies, broken relationships...at any point the harder decision to live clean in healthier relationships and with integrity could be made...but none of us can make such decision for another. We can only invite, suggest, support, hope and pray.

The reality is that each of us has "own life responsibility"; we are responsible for our own lives. And, there is a point at which we, and no one else, must shoulder at least a portion of the burden by ourselves. We must be the one to say yes to the counseling appointment, the recovery group, the friendship that is offered by a caring friend, or the supportive love of a family member.

Jesus asked several if they wanted to be well. When they said yes, He gave instruction, "Stand up". Notice that He didn't lift them to their feet against their will. He won't do that, and neither should we.

People helpers can become frustrated and tempted to compromise healthy boundaries when those they are trying to help don't cooperate with their efforts. The rule of thumb is to never work harder than the one who says they want help. That doesn't mean that we won't work hard. We will. But we mustn't work harder than the one who "owns" the problem; the desire to recover their life.

I like to give responsibility to my clients for their recovery and healing process. This puts responsibility where it belongs, builds their self-esteem, and ultimately strengthens them as a better leader of their own life. One practical way to do this is to have a client draft a comprehensive plan for their treatment. "List all of the issues you want to work on and the desired outcome. Include all of the people that you would like to involve to support and encourage you and the services that you know of that could be helpful." This isn't abdication of responsibility by the professional, but rather appropriate challenge to the client to dig deep for the resources and opportunities of which they are aware. Then, I collaborate with them to form a plan that we both think will work and that they are excited to pursue.

It is possible to recover from the depths of despair and to be free from psychological trauma, emotional entanglements, and debilitating symptoms of emotional and mental disorders. Is the process easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Working as hard as you will,

Jeff