Understanding, Insight and Ownership: Three Keys to Managing Mental and Emotional IIllnesses

"How can I support my friend with a mental illness?"
It's a great question, and one I get often from pastors, spouses, and friends of my clients who come to appointments to support their loved ones.

1. Ask them. Ask how you can be helpful. Answers are likely to range from "I don't know", to very specific requests, "Keep being my friend", "Check with me if I'm keeping my appointments, exercising, eating well, taking my medication, etc." Remember, just because a person is struggling with a mental or emotional disorder doesn't mean that they are incompetent or irresponsible. Treat them with respect and allow them dignity by asking them how you can be helpful.

2. Learn about the illness or disorder. There is plenty of information available on most conditions on the internet. Search the term and read up from reputable sources. Information is power. Check out what you learn with the person who has the condition. Ask them to teach you about it. This is also a great way to evaluate the extent to which they have accepted responsibility to care for themselves. Clients who learn everything they can about their illness, and act on recommendations to manage it are very different than those in denial or unwilling to take good care of themselves.

3. Plan for worst case scenarios. What if your loved one has a condition that is prone to relapse after periods of remission? Have a discussion with them while they are rational and responsible. Well-known Family Coach, Dr. Gary Rosberg publicly tells the story how his good friend Steve Farrar flew across the country to drag Gary out of his bedroom when he relapsed into severe depression. "That's what a good friend will do" Gary said. "I'd told Steve to come after me if ever I refused his calls, and my wife confirmed her concern for me. The first night he arrived, I refused to see him and told him to go home. He stayed through the night and confronted me the next morning. It meant everything that someone cared enough to come after me when I was in a bad place, and even was impolite to them."*

In my experience, those that do best in recovery from mental and emotional disorders understand the nature and severity of their illness and how to manage it, have insight into the effect of the disorder on their loved ones, and take ownership over their illness to do everything in their power to manage it.

Persons who have a disorder but don't take responsibility to learn about it, who don't take responsibility to manage it, and don't consider how it affects their loved ones unnecessarily extend the effects of their condition onto others. And, through their irresponsibility they ask for others to take responsibility. For instance, if it is critical for a person with Bipolar Disorder to take their medication on a regular basis to maintain a stable mood and rational behavior, whose responsibility is it to remember to take the medication? Ideally, a person with such a disorder will take the same level of responsibility that a person with diabetes takes to measure their blood sugar and to inject proper doses of insulin.

How can you help your loved one? Begin by asking how you can help. Educate yourself about the illness, and collaborate on a plan of action if a disabling relapse occurs.

And remember, keep giving the grace to try again, and truth spoken in love to help them be successful!

blessings, Jeff

*Personal conversation with Dr. Rosberg, July 2006