Recovering Me: The Process of Restoring Your Life

One of the saddest situations I've ever witnessed during my career as a Professional Clinical Counselor was in an hospital emergency room. The patient was unkempt, bandaged and alone. His wrists were bandaged due to self-inflicted wounds. His "suicide attempt" wasn't lethal, but it was a cry for help and attention. After being debriefed by the ER physician about this gentleman's repeated visits to the hospital I called his parents to ask them to come to take him home.

"We're done with him", they said. "He's done this so many times, and we've given so much. We actually consider him dead. I'm sorry. We're not willing to do anything."

Ummm....beyond hope, beyond help?

Initially I was angry with the parents. "How could they?" But then I realized that this man was the proverbial 'boy who cried wolf' or the 'prodigal's son'. Time after time he'd been offered the best in life (His family said so), but he'd lied, stolen, and otherwise squandered the opportunities he'd been offered. Sad.

I left the ER that night wondering what might happen to this man. It seemed that there was no one there for him. I called churches and most shelters were full. The ones that had space said no after hearing his history.

While I'd like to believe that people can have an infinite number of opportunities to "be whole" and to "get well", it simply isn't true. After a person defiles and degrades themselves enough times, it becomes nearly impossible for them to crawl out of the garbage dump they've created. Addictions, abuse, lies, broken relationships...at any point the harder decision to live clean in healthier relationships and with integrity could be made...but none of us can make such decision for another. We can only invite, suggest, support, hope and pray.

The reality is that each of us has "own life responsibility"; we are responsible for our own lives. And, there is a point at which we, and no one else, must shoulder at least a portion of the burden by ourselves. We must be the one to say yes to the counseling appointment, the recovery group, the friendship that is offered by a caring friend, or the supportive love of a family member.

Jesus asked several if they wanted to be well. When they said yes, He gave instruction, "Stand up". Notice that He didn't lift them to their feet against their will. He won't do that, and neither should we.

People helpers can become frustrated and tempted to compromise healthy boundaries when those they are trying to help don't cooperate with their efforts. The rule of thumb is to never work harder than the one who says they want help. That doesn't mean that we won't work hard. We will. But we mustn't work harder than the one who "owns" the problem; the desire to recover their life.

I like to give responsibility to my clients for their recovery and healing process. This puts responsibility where it belongs, builds their self-esteem, and ultimately strengthens them as a better leader of their own life. One practical way to do this is to have a client draft a comprehensive plan for their treatment. "List all of the issues you want to work on and the desired outcome. Include all of the people that you would like to involve to support and encourage you and the services that you know of that could be helpful." This isn't abdication of responsibility by the professional, but rather appropriate challenge to the client to dig deep for the resources and opportunities of which they are aware. Then, I collaborate with them to form a plan that we both think will work and that they are excited to pursue.

It is possible to recover from the depths of despair and to be free from psychological trauma, emotional entanglements, and debilitating symptoms of emotional and mental disorders. Is the process easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

Working as hard as you will,

Jeff