How to Handle Relational Hit and Runs

“Hey Coach, do you have a minute? I have a few questions about the game?” I stopped walking toward the bus with my football team, and turned to prepare to honor the gentleman’s request. My Vice-Principal knew better. “Keep walking Jeff. This won’t be good.” Because I was confused by his counsel to refuse the conversation, and because I was trained to respond politely to requests, I turned to the man to indicate my willingness to hear his questions. “Sure, what’s on your mind?” This angry heckler proceeded to ask rhetorical questions to make several points of disagreement about how I’d handled the game. After a few failed attempts to respond (the heckler didn’t play fair by giving me an opportunity to be heard), the Vice-Principal put his hand in my back to move me away, and said, “I told you. He doesn’t want to have a conversation. He only wants to take his anger out on you.”

Coaching that Jr. High football team between 1992-95 was an eye-opener. Looking back, I was naïve about some things. When people asked to converse I assumed they came with good-will. But that experience as well as some others has provided reason for caution.

Have you had the experience of having your words taken out of context, being unfairly accused or receiving a verbal or written account of the way things really are and then being blocked from responding? That’s what I’m calling a Relational Hit and Run; when someone makes their point but then leaves the scene by refusing dialogue to clarify and resolve the disagreement. It’s anything but healthy, but it can be handled well. Wisdom and self-control are two of the key components in deciding how to respond.

Such an incident happened to me again recently. The offender fired their salvos in writing and concluded, “Do not contact me.” Jill was privy to it, and it infuriated her. “Are you going to tell _____” she asked. “No, I’m not going to respond at all. What’s there to say? And why add more fuel to the fire. I could have the best intentions and still things are probably going to be twisted and thrown back at me. I know what’s been in my heart, and what I’ve done."

It takes two to make a relationship work. That’s obvious, eh? But what isn’t as clear is how often and how long to reach out to do your part. It’s like handshake. How long do you leave your hand dangling in thin air to await the other person’s grasp? You can do your part to reach out, but if they don’t reciprocate, there’s no connection.

Unjust accusations, refusals to engage conversation, absence of openness to clarification; they are all indications of an absence of good-will, and killers of relationships. How sad. It doesn’t have to be this way. Give and take, speak and listen, struggle through misunderstandings…when both parties are willing. When one is and the other isn’t willing is an untenable situation.

Consider Jesus. Thankfully He provides a stellar example in such circumstances. Remember, he was a man familiar acquainted with suffering, even relational suffering. How he handled accusations and maltreatment gave us a great template for responding to hit runs in relationships.

I Peter 2:23 (NIV) - When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

Have you been hit recently? Did the hitter run from the scene? Are you left to recover after the assault, without clear recourse to further engage the relationship in a helpful way? Keep your eyes open. Don’t become hardened by the offense. Remember, hurt people hurt people, and God may give you an effective way to engage the person who left the scene. In the meantime, my counsel is to ask God to set a guard on your lips and to respond like Jesus who did not retaliate and who made no threats. Rather, entrust yourself to Him who judges justly.